It is in love that we hold truths

“It is in love that we embrace and hold the truth of disclosure, and it is there that true connection can be made”.

I wish this was something original to me but I am paraphrasing comments by a friend, Jill.

The general idea of “acknowledging and speaking of the truth” is not unique and I think have written about before, but the way she said this was a bit different. When someone discloses a fear such as the potential of loosing a job, or the breakup of a relationship or they speak if their pain from a loss of some type whether it be the loss of a loved one or of a job or expressing fear over a diagnosis or condition, it is often more comfortable for us to try to comfort and rationalize rather than acknowledge the truth that is being spoken. To say that it won’t be as bad as they are worried about or it won’t happen to them or saying that it could be worse or completely denying that it is true may make us think we are comforting but it isn't acknowledging and accepting the truth that is being disclosed. Jill spoke about an alcoholic finally disclosing his condition only you hear, oh you don’t drink that much or the person afraid of loosing a job, your to good of a worker for that to happen to you.

Sometimes the best response is to say “yes I hear you”, "that must be scary", "yes the way you are feeling is right" and acknowledging sometimes that life and life situations suck and life can be frightening.

I am getting much much better at this. While I try to be supportive and comforting to people I have learned to recognize a line that has been crossed and then will often speak from the perspective of acknowledgment of embracing and agreeing to hold what has been disclosed to me as truth. Not necessarily my truth but the person sharing.

When I do this the response is interesting. To the person disclosing, there is now a different connection. They can see that I acknowledge and validate their truth and we can move forward on a different level. From an observer, the response can be, “I was thinking the same thing but afraid to say it”. Some times you just say what is obvious and trust.

At work when I am working with a staff person on a problem this often entails listening closely and inquiring about body language that doesn't fit the words or lack of words and repeating what I am hearing the other person say. It is amazing what comes out and most of the time this accomplishes what is necessary.

So my blog challenge for me and for all is to be tuned in enough to recognize when someone has truly made a disclosure that is important to them and is significant to them and to make a point of acknowledging and embracing it and if appropriate, give them a hug.

A New Year

A wish for a happy, healthy, prosperous, and peaceful …..2009 for all who venture here.

For the past week or so I have been on slow speed. Rushing from an intense time at work into the relatively unstructured time off that I take between Christmas and New Years. This sends me slightly into not necessarily a free-fall but like a kite without a tail: wobbling around in the wind currents trying to find bearings and doing enough to stay up in the air. Isn’t that what vacations are about, regaining one’s bearings, trying to recharge? When thrown in with end of the year holidays that wobble can get a little too wobbly and I a little too introspective.

Traditionally as the calendar flips we tend to look back and to assess the year that has past. Was it good, was it bad, and are we glad it is over?

There was a lot of negative going on this year that seemed to weigh heavy. I’ve attended more funerals last year than I can remember in a single year, and I am not at an age where my peers are naturally dying off. The economy and the uncertainty that it has brought and the continuing conflicts around the world cast a heavy shadow far across the landscape, at least in my mind and world.

But even with these I would not necessarily call this a bad year for there have also been many good things that have gone on this year. My family is well and have been all year and we treasure the time that we spend with each other; the kids are both having a great year at school and having new experiences that I wouldn’t have dreamed of experiencing at their age; the excitement (and parent apprehension) of college shopping for my oldest (wow have things changed); meeting new people and having new experiences; while my work is stressful it is ever expanding and I have to keep reminding myself that this is good.

We have a tradition in our family, started several years ago when my wife read about it somewhere. Throughout the year we record on small pieces of paper good things that happen to one of us. Anyone can put one in and it can be something significant or as simple as a sleepover with a friend or the stub from a movie or play or concert. We collect these in a Mason jar and as the year progresses it fills up. Then on either New Years Eve or New Years Day the family gathers around the table and we pass the jar around, each of us pulling out a slip of paper and reading it out loud. We then transpose the list for posterity sake. It’s a fun tradition and also fun to look back at the list years later.

I don’t do resolutions. I do set goals but they are not necessarily based on the calendar year. Last year I set a goal to start to run, do a 5k under 30 minutes and a 10k under an hour and in the process get back in shape and loose some extra weight. I am pleased that I met these goals and it is only an injury that has sidelined me from running and I am anxious to get back and truly miss the feeling of going out for a 6 mile run.

Another goal was to work on writing and that is where this blog came from. I am one of many who became inspired by the writings of Sharyn on the Caleb blog and decided to give it a try.

Through this venture I have met some very nice people, not really met physically but in the virtual world. I have learned much more about the technology and about writing. I have really got to like having a camera around to snap things up when I see them, even if it was only me who thought the pictures were good. (But then I didn’t care if they were a slight bit fuzzy). I have learned that my writing in the beginning was more thoughtful and deep rooted and came from topics stored up and that my writings in the fall were more forced because they were forced as I was working to develop some discipline. In some cases didn’t write here or elsewhere because the writing was stuck and it didn’t seem to matter. I learned that this deep writing is something I want to get back to.

I learned that as I wrote as I thought out loud and wrote when my moods were not good, that there were people who very nicely became concerned and tried to help and this surprised me and caught me off guard, even thought this is a very public place to air your thoughts. [I have a wonderfully supportive wife and kids and a few wonderful friends but I am no longer use to that response from people I don’t know well and initially kind of suspicious (absolutely nothing personal–out there). Where the hell did that come from? Why do I go there rather than accept the genuineness of good people? I do know where much of it came from; the brutality of corporate employment/ unemployment [yes non profits can be brutal] has left me with bruises that have been difficult to heal and definitely more cautious.]

I learned that some people picked up on the writings that I did on other blogs and launched writing of their own off these thoughts and that was wild and exciting to see and read. I assumed when I wrote here and on other blogs that there was this tiny audience and that what I wrote was as much for me as the other person so when I heard from people I didn’t know who were comforted by my words or thought they were good, I was and am blown away.

Someone else reading this might again say, poor guy that he minimizes this so much, but that is not really where I am at.

As I said early on in the year, writing in this way is something new to me and I am not use to getting feedback in that way. Professionally I need to write letters, proposals and do technical writing and the best feedback you can get is that you have been successful in carefully choosing your words or that there was nothing wrong with it or that it was successful in conveying what you want to do or get. Not getting negative feedback in that sense is very positive in a backwards way.

So this has also been a good growth experience for me as has been the running and all of the other positive things that have happened. In that sense and in many other ways it has been a good year.

I am learning ever so slowly that adversity and challenges to me are not necessarily negative and the future not automatically something to be wary of. I am continuing to see the lessons in things that have not gone well and to put those lessons in perspective. This is good and a goal that I will continue to pursue and as well as to continue to work to again to be okay letting my guard down to let others in.

Find peace in yourself and thousands will find peace around you.

I wish I could say that this is an original quote from me but it is not. A Google search of the key words brings up several references and the theme is common. This quote was shared by a friend who was musing on ways that we can have an effect on the uncertainty that seems to be in the world today. By finding some peace within yourself, this peace is picked up in varying degrees by those you interact with or meet and it impacts the way they interact with others. I have to periodically be brought back to that philosophy and thought when I begin to feel a little helpless with all that is going on. Fortunately I know people who cycle around though phases like I do and we sometimes help each other become centered again.

So I have added a link here to a site 10 ways to find inner peace.


www.ineedmotivation.com/blog/2008/05/find-inner-peace-in-10-ways

Its nothing really new or astonishing just some basic common sense about maintaining our grounding. I looked at the list and went "ah-hah", I haven't been with nature much lately, I haven't been able to run in a couple of weeks my morning meditation had been disrupted by travel and early meetings, I'm worrying more about the what ifs. So about half the list of 10 I haven't been keeping up, the others I am doing ok with.

This week I have had to do more manager mentoring than I have usually done in a week in more recent times and I am reminded that I really like doing it and I know I am also good at it. I can almost see a level of peace come to the other person when I have worked through an issue or planned something out with them. Though I find it sometimes exhausting because of the intense thought it takes to guide someone and the need to pick words very intentionally to get the message across without triggering defensiveness or them shutting down. At the same time I find it very rewarding and I get a high out of it. In some way I am sharing some and promoting peace with someone else.

Out of the Comfort Zone/ Disconnecting auto pilot

There are times when I have found myself at an intersection. Something stops me, confronts me, presents itself, metaphorically blows up in front of me. I have a choice. The choices are autopilot, which may say to do nothing (let the choice go away or take care of itself) or to take the familiar turn or to want to run away from the decision or in other words try to turn back or to try something completely different. Something not as familiar or comfortable and unorthodox.

I wrote last about being discouraged and being presented with people doing things that were not cool, what I didn’t write was about the force that they were doing it. As a relatively low key person I don’t always do well with pit bulls or people not afraid to be “in your face” (whether or not they wear lipstick ), especially when they are in a place that I don’t expect them. I don’t confuse being low key with being a wimp or passive as I can also be quite formidable and immovable when provoked. This can be quite surprising to those who don’t know me as it can be like stepping on a rattle-snake.

But to be in that place for me often requires stepping out of a comfort zone. I like being a nice guy, I like being friendly and helpful, I like to work cooperatively, I don’t like being taken advantage in any way or form because of this. Who does!

So this past two weeks, which can go down in the book of weeks I’d like to forget, had me in such a place. The difference from other experiences was that it was an explosion, and confrontation, something mean spirited that I was presented with and the players were either manipulative or with extremely strong egos and self opinions of themselves and they presented this with such intensity that it took me very much off guard. It had me looking back, questioning decisions, questioning myself.


So my choices were to do nothing and hope it will blow over and feel like shit for having been “abused”. I could explode and demonstrate the actual authority I had over the situation. I would have to clean up the mess later but I would feel great in the moment. I could be manipulative back and find an alternative way to change behavior or “seek revenge”, which is an exhausting game to play and one I rarely like to play. The options and issues seemed a total blur.



Or I could disconnect the auto-pilot stepping out of my comfort zone and find a different route; confronting these strong willed perpetrators head on, calling them on their abuse, laying out expectations, leaving little doubt that I had many more options that I could exercise and that I was clearly willing to go there if necessary and also making them wait for the reaction. Basically daring them not to back down and apologize and see a wiser path.

So as I am writing about this in better frame of mind you can deduce that I chose the latter path and while it was rough and the path to sorting out the options not easy I am at a different place. I moved very much out my comfort zone to effectively respond to something formidable and new. While I know that my path is still lined with challenges on this I have grown and in some small way will never be the same. I am curious to see how this new growth will play itself out.

Throughout my life there are key times that I can point to where I have turned off the auto-pilot and in a very significant way stepped out of my comfort zone and taken a less comfortable direction. Like changes in the ring pattern of a tree these are my growth spots.

End of summer blahs

The clouds blow in, the rain comes, the clouds blow out. That seems to have been the rhythm of this summer. Rain more often than I wanted, making the grass grow faster then not giving enough dry days to keep up with it. The dampness seems to add more chores to the list. Water seeping in where it hadn't before, mold growing on the leaves of trees, the porch plants that always thrive are under attack. Ants are finding the dampness of wood and discovering a feast.



I usually find summer restful although it is always busy. This summer seems different. I am tired. Not in a sleeping sense as I am still keeping up my 13 mile a week running pattern that I started in the spring, but a fatigue that has set in, a fog on the mind and like the rain it seems to leave for a bit but then comes back.

So this week I am on vacation. Nothing scheduled but a totally unrealistic chore list , a summer cold settling in on me and the need to stay a little tethered to work email. Blah.........

So if you notice I'm not posting as frequently its where I am at the moment. The camera is hidden in the car as I am tired of taking pictures of mists and rain. Its too much like the fog that I am working to get free of.

We'll see how the week goes. Does this cold set a different schedule for me than the list that is on the frig? Do the work emails give good new that the project I've been sheparding has been successfully uploaded and I can then shut them down? Can I get enough painting done to get through to next year? Well I get a warm afternoon out in the kayak? My complaints for the day.................................



An then I recall yesterday when I traveled back to Springfield for the wake of the husband of a former co-worker. Several years younger than I, he was diagnosed with brain cancer a year ago and despite an active fight succumbed. Barely 50. The body in the coffin I did not recognize. Not the same person I had seen before his illness or vibrant person in the family pictures on display.

Something like that gives you another perspective, a sort of dope slap up the side of the head. Yeah I am tired, yeah I am fatigued and getting a cold, yeah I feel like I am fighting a war against ants, yeah feel resentful that I need to check in with work emails while on vacation. Yeah I feel totally blah.........

But I feel...... I am living....... I am healthy........my family is healthy......I have a choice of doing chores and even complaining about them. The fatigue will eventually fade as will the fog and this cold will also fade. So life ain't all that bad, its life.

So that is where I am at. It is the end of summer in the Berkshires. The nights are cooler, the sun comes up later. But the sun comes up for me and it sets and the moon rides and it sets and that isn't something to be taken for granted.

Learning from your kids…….

As I have written before I have kids currently in their mid teens. Parenthood for us has been a blessing and a joy and a lot of fun. Sure there are challenges and issues and fights that go along but we genuinely like our kids as people and not just because they are our kids. They are thoughtful, funny, inquisitive, opinionated and smart, kind, healthily industrious and full of life. They are very different from each other and in many ways different from my wife and me and yet very much the same.



Since the birth of my oldest, being a dad has been a learning experience. Not just in learning the practical aspects (for there has been tons of that) but in an experiential way. For as my kids grow and mature I find I am learning more and more about life and myself. When they were babies and then a toddlers it was as if I was being given a peephole into my own childhood and the rare opportunity to gain perspective on that early stage of my life. Memories of experiences that I had never remembered before came back as deja vu.

They were a reason, or should I say excuse, to play at the playground, climb on the climbing structure and slide down the slides and swing on the swings. Who would ever question the motives of a dad keeping up with his little ones, when in fact I also saw this as an opportunity to play and relive and have fun. I learned that it is ok to say yes even though my parents might have said no or that other parents might give that look. The time the rain caused the front yard to get muddy and rather than shoo everyone away because of what it would do to the lawn, I encouraged the neighborhood kids to join mine sliding in the mud. There was the time of chasing a group of kids around with a water hose and everyone, especially me was drenched. Though safety was always paramount, it was through those moments I learned it was ok for other parents to wonder where the adult was in the group.




Though I’ve always been curious, having kids opens a new world of seeking and exploring even the minutest thing. When sharing music and rocking with them in the dark or playing with the puppets, time seemed to be suspended; seemed surreal.

As they each face new challenges and opportunities and are unsure, I learn much from how they respond and how we have to encourage and coach. Setting limits and also expecting responsibility; but learning to hold back my fears and to consider the source of my caution and to decide when its best to just let them go and be on the side lines if needed. The way that I have learned and become was not necessarily how they should be or experience life.




As they face their fears and I have had to be brave for them I learned something about myself as well as them. When they fell down and picked themselves up I was also reminded of how durable I really was. When they laughed and laughed at my goofiness I was reminded to not take myself and life so seriously. When they just jumped into a group of kids they had never met and just began to play I am reminded how easy it was before we all stopped to think before doing that and more times hesitated than was good.

When they asked to come to work just to meet the people and spent a day seeing what I did, I was reminded of the nice people I work with who thought this was cool and feel good years later when my kids talk about that day. I am reminded to say yes more that no.

As they struggle with school and with friendships and with relationships I am relearning what that was about back then and that this newer perspective can be healing. I am also learning that because they are friends with each other, they will often seek out the other's perspective or advice, as being more relevant or current than what dad and mom could provide and that this is ok and good.



As my oldest nears college age I am reminded about how things will change so dramatically. For him it is an awesome and scary time and my job is to hold my fears in check and be there to talk to and guide and to hug them tight. As parents we are not only coaches we are also sometimes partners. I know that in that process they will learn; and as we help them through this next stage they will teach me as well.

I have often said that having young kids keeps you younger and more on your game and that is good.

Giving Feedback

I had spent some time in the pre-dawn hours this morning working on an entry that had been ruminating around my neurons the past couple of days. It was about the kernels of learning that come from times of challenge. I will refine that passage a bit and perhaps post it later but what has become especially meaningful to me is what brought me the point of being focused on this in as a constructive path.

I have been working on a major project at work; something that has a significant amount of pressure on successfully completing and on an absolutely unreasonably tight timetable. Fortunately my organization is conscious of these points and is grateful for what I able to accomplish. This is unique in many ways and a reason why I work where I do.

Last week I was coaching a colleague on a part of this project that she was being asked to do. New to the organization and familiar with only a narrow aspect, she commented that it was so great that I had an obvious understanding and picture of the full scope of the project and how the various processes should work, even if I didn’t think I did or didn’t know all the nut and bolts.

Obviously it made me feel good in that people who didn’t completely know what I was doing could recognize the talent and work necessary to accomplish it and stepped up and said something. It was different than being recognized for a the task that had been accomplished, it was recognizing the thought that was going in behind it.

We all like feedback and when it is good it make us feel good about ourselves and what we have done and perhaps validates conscious decisions we have made.

But do we always give it to others or do we assume that they already know what we might say or do we assume that others will do it or are we on the shy side when it comes to this and don’t want to bring attention to ourselves. It’s different from when someone does a favor or something good that warrants praise. It’s an acknowledgment of a special thought that goes into an action. Something that often goes unnoticed but shouldn't.

For the past month or so I have been observing myself on this and yes I do notice things, find myself thinking these thoughts but more often than I am now comfortable with, I also was letting the opportunity to comment pass. I have decided that this is not a good thing and it is on my "things to accomplish list".

A few weeks ago a friend was sharing challenges of parenting but also shared an interest one of his kids had developed. It was not a mainstream interest but it was something that was opening up avenues of creativity and contact through the web where his could demonstrate a competency and talent without face to face contact. Given the opportunity to see some of his work I chose to mention something about it when I saw him next. While his shyness was out front I could see something beaming in him as he quietly shared more. This morning I was listening to someone do a reading and at one point between passages he paused for what is a long time, 30 seconds. It was enough time for people to begin to squirm. But that was the purpose, to bring people listening out of their comfort zone for a few seconds. I though at first of letting it go by but then thought that he obviously had put though into his delivery and the impact of silence on meditation and stepped forward to comment on it.

So my mission, and I invite visitors here to this mission, is notice not just when someone does something good or a favor, BUT notice when someone does something that is motivated by a conscious thought of what they are doing with the objective of spreading good in the world or increasing a greater consciousness. Step out of your comfort zone and share with them that you noticed and that you appreciate it.

I know how I have felt when I get it and also how I feel when I share it and it gets more comfortable the more you do and find you are tuning in in a different way.

Reflections

In the past year it seems that I have come in contact with a lot more people in some sort of negative physical condition. I wanted to first say illness but that word didn’t seem to cover it. People with cancer of all types- lung, brain, prostate, ovarian, skin, pancreatic; folks managing serious vision issues, a child with Crohn’s, with brain injuries, with autism; someone with shingles, people with depression. Whew………………….

To initially meet these people you would never have a clue what is really going on…..what happens in those private moments or what is going through their minds and the minds of the parents of those kids. They carry themselves with immense grace and life.

By no means do I criticize those in similar situations who openly express their distress – we are all different and cope differently. But I am amazed and then again not amazed by the many people who have serious issues going on in their lives and by the way they carry themselves, you would never know it. It is not that they have become resigned to their fate. To the contrary those who I know are very much determined to prevail and are on various levels frightened, get discouraged and experience “why me”. But they have not stopped embracing life, not pushing ahead each day, pushing aside the physical and emotional pain enough so that it does not define them. I knew someone who had been though a few sudden job losses and had also gone through some serious medical issues and he shared that you just put your head down and move forward, little by little, and sometime day by day hour by hour. You pick yourself up when you stumble but you don’t let the stumbles define who you are. You continue to admire the sunrises, be at awe with a sunset or the night blaze of the Milky Way. You pray, you laugh, you cry and you embrace the life that you have as imperfect as it is, give thanks for all that is good and seek guidance and support through the rough spots.

I take lessons from these experiences and from these people. You sometimes haven’t a clue what is really going on with someone when you see them. Appearance are very deceptive and sometimes the people who are the calmest and nicest and most genuine are the people with the most number of issues going on with themselves or those they love. Be grateful for all that is good in your life. If you are healthy or your loved ones are healthy don't take that for granted. Be kind and embrace life even when it is scary to do so.

Finding hidden beauty

Yes I am still around, just wilting like many others in this heat. Words are having a hard time coming out this week. Too busy, too many things going on at work. These times seem to crowd out the creative thoughts.

Even worse I dropped my camera and am still playing with it to get it to work again. I not sure I could ever repeat such a bargain.

I took this picture last week as I was driving home and approaching the hills of the Berkshires. Taking pictures at 70mph doesn’t always produce the best focus but such is the uniqueness of this blog. The light makes it seem almost black and white, which is the same effect that it had on many pictures I took over the winter when it wasn’t a bright say. This is a $15 camera after all.

But if you really look closely you can see shades of blue and green. A storm is coming up or rather I am driving into one. Here the picture is waves of clouds fluffed up with trees along the edges. Interesting but on the dull side, or is it.

There are many times when the darker shades, whether it be in nature or life in general seem to be dull and sometimes dismissed as being bleak. Take a look at it more closely and you see the hidden subtleties: the patterns, the currents, the shifting textures. The clouds are all moving to the different currents of the storm. The texture of the clouds varies if there is distant rain. There is something special in it that just doesn’t fit the general mold of what is considered beauty.

How many other things can we think of that can fit that description? Most of us don’t fit the classic or marketing definition of beauty yet the textures and colors and patterns and subtleties of our character create a different beauty of its own.

Today our family has been blessed with laughter, roudy humor, hugs, love, meditative thought, good food (I cooked), discussions, literature, friends, sawdust, dirt, music and yes humidity. All in all it was an ordinary day and on its own nothing on the surface might be imagined as extraordinarily beautiful but capturing the depth and texture and flow made the day as beautiful as any scene I can imagine.

So, look for beauty where is its not expected; in the ordinary, in the gray and darker areas, in the routine, in the humid heat. Sense it, feel it – it is there.

And don't underestimate....….My camera doesn’t always do so well in poor light in giving me what I want all the time, but it is wonderful in good light and even in poor light can give me something to study and explore beyond the picture that came through the lenses.

Show up for life

Believe in all that is possible and be open to what seems impossible







Hold on tight - the ride is sometimes rough








Engage the spirit within and around










Life happens, be there - don't sit on the sidelines




These are themes I have been collecting to paint on flat rocks that I've picked up on our vacations on Cape Cod. The rocks are still in a bag and the thoughts collect in the PDA, so its time for movement and to get on with it. The only paint brush in my near future is for house paint.

What thoughts would you add?

Does it matter?

For the past week or so I have been experiencing more doubt than I have felt in quite a while. I am testy, unmotivated, not able to focus and not at all upbeat and having a tough time making it through each day at work. I even find I don't want to run in the morning, something that for months I had come to look forward too. Even getting this post out is a challenge.

I have been thinking out the theme to a post on the impact that small and large things we do have on others and how they then effect how they relate to others. I have lots of ideas, but they won’t come out on the keyboard.

While I have frequently thought that we all can have an impact on others and therefore can effect how they treat others, now I don't know. There are those dynamic people that seem to draw people to them and seem to always have an impact on others even if all they are doing is going about their every day life. I am for the most past on the quieter side, except for a limited few who would absolutely laugh at the "quiet" comment. I know that the quiet is perceived by some as disinterested, when it is not. The things I do are lower key and often I keep them to myself with the believe that karma is fed more fully when the source of the deed is not known. Is this foolish? I don't know.

I am sure that you can list people who have a dramatic effect on people and their community around them (large and small). I am thinking I am just not one of those people. This isn’t necessarily a feeling of depression it is more of sadness, regret, resignation of "does it matter". More the George Baily feeling.

Does it matter that I smile a lot throughout the day and laugh pretty easily and say hi to most everyone I interact with? Does it matter that I give out anonymous birthday cards throughout the year to all 50 people in my office or do other similar things when no one really knows it is me? [ no one at work knows about this blog, so that secret is safe] Does it matter that I leave comments on other people’s blogs so that they know I was there and that their thoughts mean something? Does it matter that I am always volunteering to help with this or that project? Does it matter that I send positive thoughts to a list of people each day who do not know it? Do the prayers of healing really do anything for others except make me think they do? Does it matter that I write this blog? Does anyone really know it is here?

Intellectually I know the answer to most of these is yes, (except for the last few) but in a more solitary way I really don’t know and even more profound, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that I feel this way.



So, today there is a picture of reflection because that is where I am at. Not necessarily liking the view but knowing that life changes on a dime and hopefully that view will become more clear.

The Greening of Spring

Taking my $10 point and click camera out this seemingly dreary morning snapping pictures of spring just to see what comes though the lenses. There is so much brown, so much matted down from the snow and ice but tucked all about are so many sprouts of green life. Through the gnarled thickets are small flowers in bloom. The heavy cool dampness chills the bones but is protective and nourishing this new life.



There is a part of the woods behind our property that was harvested for hardwoods a few years back and what was left was a mess of hacked trees and bushes, tire ruts and a visual wasteland. But the sun that was opened up has helped nature reclaim this space with sprouts of green, saplings that had been shaded and can now grow and this is now an area for more birds and animals.

The rain is soft though the air is cool. The mist hangs over the mountains like a cool nourishing blanket, drifting with the breezes.




Out of the brown of winter comes new growth, new life, new opportunity. The sun will come out another day and the flower will bloom and the trees will be full, but this only because of the cool rain and mists and clouds of days like today.

So much of what goes on with the seasons goes on with us as people, in our lives and with our challenges. Through periods of brown can come new growth. Nourished by what supports us we again bloom another day in another way. Maybe not the same as before but as someone else once said, a rose is a rose and here a bloom is a bloom,

God can I have new piece of paper?

I feel like I have made a mess of this one and am feeling in so many ways that I would like to start over. With so many mistakes it sometimes feels like I am trapped in a maze, this paper is not as good as I wished it could be. There are times when I can see the direction and the choices are clear and the times when the options were vague and I felt like I was in a fog;

I find myself mourning for all the wrong turns that I have taken, the lost time, the missed clues, the opportunities that came and I was too afraid to jump on or too caught up in figuring out the maze that the opportunity came and when.

This paper has so many cross-outs and notes in the margins from so far back that some of them I can no longer read. I struggle to figure out what goes where and what order to do it in and at times I am so confused. I fear that if this test were to end you’d hand it back as incomplete and lacking focus and totally missing the point.

There are passages I would so much like to erase –where I have hurt others or been oblivious to their pain- but the eraser doesn’t seem to work. There are rips in the paper where I have been hurt and though I have tried to mend them with layers of tape, I still find myself getting caught on the jagged edges.

My paper is stained with so many tears and dirt and sweat from work and marks from the hands of messy children and pets, the folds are worn from years of folding and unfolding, considering and then not considering; stuffing things in my pocket and forgetting them for too long.


If I could have a clean piece of paper I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. I would know early on what I should be doing and what to forget. I would know what mistakes really don’t matter with time and what seemingly minor ones do. I would know clearly which paths I missed and where I took the wrong turns. I would know the opportunities that will not last and that I should fully appreciate before they are lost. I’d be much smarter and wiser with this new paper.


But the how would I capture the beauty and sense of purpose that I discovered when I was lost? Can I copy over those experiences from all the wandering around? I don't know how it would it fit together, the context would be gone. How would I find my wife, my soul mate that I discovered though many wrong turns? And yes I still want those finger marks and margin notes from my kids and everything else about them; and yes the stains from the pets I have loved, they can stay as well. The tears of joy and compassion shared with family and friends, I don’t want to loose them; the random opportunities and joy, how will I write them down? If I could keep the lessons learned from healing without the hurt - but how would I do that?

How would I piece it together, the good and the bad? Out of so many mistakes also came so much good, so much laughter, so much fun, so much wisdom. From those journeys down the unknown paths and times of great pain came family I might never have had and friends I might never have found. How do I start over and still keep all of these? Could I take away the hurt I caused others and keep all else that is on this paper that seems so intertwined? That would be enough.


If starting over means that I loose so much that I love and cherish and so much that has made me who I am, then I’ll keep the paper I have and keep plugging away. If I could wish away the bad and wish for more of the good, then of course that is what I would do. But it doesn’t seem like that is the assignment.

So God, thanks for listening. I’ll keep the paper I have; for I guess you have seen worse and maybe seen better. When the time is up and I have to turn it in I expect I will do OK for originality even if it wasn’t perfect.

The currents of Life

There are times when I think I am a stone in the river of time, held in place in the riverbed and supported by those around me. The currents of life wash over, bringing all sorts of interesting things and experiences; bubbling, lapping, slurping around. With time the constant flow smooths my rough edges, wearing me in some spots and leaving me untouched in others but then I am here for the duration. Often the current is smooth and there is peace. But there are times of drought when I feel alone, not connected with others by the current, dry, baking in the sun and feeling stagnant. Occasionally there are times of flood and these engulf me and all that is around, churning, boiling and full of uncertainty; sometimes moving me from my place of security to somewhere I have never known; changing my world as it has been and the support I have counted on. But in my heart I know that the security that I once knew is still around, it is just different and I must adapt to something new, for I must always remember is that the calm and peace will return; it always does. The currents of life are constant, they never end and even rocks must seek some grounding and be centered lest the floods wash us over the falls to a place from which we cannot return.

The eye of the soul

The eye of the soul sees what is all around and not just what is in front of it, it sees down deep, sees what is constant and what is true. The eye of the soul is not distracted by awkwardness, or what is irrelevant. When its vision is clear the eye of the soul reveals the core of what is important and what is beautiful. It sees calm in the midst of chaos, it sees through the fog and sees what can be. For those who can truly see, the eye of the soul can not be blinded.

Feeling the Presence

Each morning when I leave the Berkshires for work, the highway does its usual ups and downs until it reaches a certain place where it just goes down and down for quite a while. The walls get higher and steep and block out the sun and are covered with massive waterfalls of ice and the temperature drops noticeably. On the other side of the road is a cliff plunging deeply to the river below. Yet it is in this somewhat foreboding spot I always feel a reassuring presence emanating…..Then shortly thereafter the walls part at a glorious gorge and the light floods in and I am on the flat lands.
I believe it is in deep valleys that you can feel this presence the most whether these valleys be those in nature or those we find ourselves in emotionally. The presence is there and we just need the stillness to let it settle in us.

Changing Seats

I am a person who doesn’t like to sit in the same place over an over. I like to try different views or sit on a different side of the room when taking a class or at church. I find it boring to do the same thing over and over. Perhaps it is a carryover from years of teacher assigned seats but actually I think there is an advantage to sitting in different locations.

Different locations provide significant and subtle changes in perspective. The light is different as it the view. Sometimes it’s no better or sometimes even worse but it’s different. In a large space the sound changes depending where you sit and music has a different sound; you notice different things about what is going on or different things about the place such as the architectural features or the furnishings. If it’s a large place that you frequent, such as church or a community event, then you come in contact with different people. Because many people never change location.

People have different reactions to me doing this. Some find it amusing, as they never know where I will pop up, some find it interesting but admit that they couldn’t do it themselves because they always sit in the same place, some find it annoying [sorry] and there are those who just don’t seem to notice, which is fine with me. I really do it for the reasons I have already said above, in fact it I find myself sitting in the same place I will get up and move.

I was speaking with someone about this today and he shared that he once worked on dairy farm and the cows always returned to the same milking station and stall. Have you ever noticed that many people are total creatures of habit? Are you? Going to a meeting, or to church or a local event, many people will sit in the same place over and over. When someone sits where they usually sit then they can actually become unsettled and they sit right next to where they always sit or in more extreme cases, they tell the person that they are in their seat.

Being unsettled is sometimes good. It keeps you aware, it keeps you present and it keeps you from being mistaken for a dairy cow. Try a different seat sometimes!

Journeys

Journey…..for some it is a trip loaded with baggage of all types, on the road for long period of time , always asking the question…..are we there yet? It is the way to a destination. Yet for many others the journey is not to a destination, if a destination is even known, it is life that happens along the way. On these sorts of journeys the destination may seem very clear at first but the outcome changes and the journey becomes the personal growth and discovery that we experience while finding our way. Sometimes the destination is cloaked in a fog and we don’t know what or where it is, but we know that we just can’t stay where we are and we move on. It is a tribute to the strength and tenacity of the human spirit that we don’t just throw our hands up when the way becomes confusing or the journey becomes physically or emotionally difficult. We feel that we have no choice but to persevere….to keep moving.

We do have a choice…we could give up or we could just look for the easiest way out or we could go back even if going back is not a good thing or is a painfull thing. Sometimes even something bad can seem better than the unknown because it is "comfortable", it is the familiar. Or we could just be in denial that we are on are way to anywhere. "Life, please go away and leave me alone" .

Out of the ashes of pain and despair we see hope and like a beacon this leads us along this great journey.

Along the way on our journey we can become in tuned with the world around us, those subtle changes that can measure progress. We can open ourselves to receive coaching and “cheering” from others along the way….we can travel in silence but be observant of all that is around us and of the many lessons and simple gifts to be picked up. In this silence….we are not alone. We can also help others along the way.

Or we can choose to be silent in this journey…..angry at each challenge that we encounter and sullen to all we meet, as if they were the cause of our despair. We still are not alone but we would just prefer that we be left alone to wallow.

But will we know when we have arrived?

If we have become one with the journey and of the lessons of the journey, it does not matter if we have arrived because of the many gifts and lessons we have received and because the many another journey awaits us.

Or if we fight and resent each journey then we never really finish the trip because even though we have arrived we continue to carry all of the heavy baggage around and that eventually makes us worn out and bitter.

We have a choice……….

May you have a good journey…..May you be aware….May you be at peace……May you be at peace.