God can I have new piece of paper?

I feel like I have made a mess of this one and am feeling in so many ways that I would like to start over. With so many mistakes it sometimes feels like I am trapped in a maze, this paper is not as good as I wished it could be. There are times when I can see the direction and the choices are clear and the times when the options were vague and I felt like I was in a fog;

I find myself mourning for all the wrong turns that I have taken, the lost time, the missed clues, the opportunities that came and I was too afraid to jump on or too caught up in figuring out the maze that the opportunity came and when.

This paper has so many cross-outs and notes in the margins from so far back that some of them I can no longer read. I struggle to figure out what goes where and what order to do it in and at times I am so confused. I fear that if this test were to end you’d hand it back as incomplete and lacking focus and totally missing the point.

There are passages I would so much like to erase –where I have hurt others or been oblivious to their pain- but the eraser doesn’t seem to work. There are rips in the paper where I have been hurt and though I have tried to mend them with layers of tape, I still find myself getting caught on the jagged edges.

My paper is stained with so many tears and dirt and sweat from work and marks from the hands of messy children and pets, the folds are worn from years of folding and unfolding, considering and then not considering; stuffing things in my pocket and forgetting them for too long.


If I could have a clean piece of paper I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. I would know early on what I should be doing and what to forget. I would know what mistakes really don’t matter with time and what seemingly minor ones do. I would know clearly which paths I missed and where I took the wrong turns. I would know the opportunities that will not last and that I should fully appreciate before they are lost. I’d be much smarter and wiser with this new paper.


But the how would I capture the beauty and sense of purpose that I discovered when I was lost? Can I copy over those experiences from all the wandering around? I don't know how it would it fit together, the context would be gone. How would I find my wife, my soul mate that I discovered though many wrong turns? And yes I still want those finger marks and margin notes from my kids and everything else about them; and yes the stains from the pets I have loved, they can stay as well. The tears of joy and compassion shared with family and friends, I don’t want to loose them; the random opportunities and joy, how will I write them down? If I could keep the lessons learned from healing without the hurt - but how would I do that?

How would I piece it together, the good and the bad? Out of so many mistakes also came so much good, so much laughter, so much fun, so much wisdom. From those journeys down the unknown paths and times of great pain came family I might never have had and friends I might never have found. How do I start over and still keep all of these? Could I take away the hurt I caused others and keep all else that is on this paper that seems so intertwined? That would be enough.


If starting over means that I loose so much that I love and cherish and so much that has made me who I am, then I’ll keep the paper I have and keep plugging away. If I could wish away the bad and wish for more of the good, then of course that is what I would do. But it doesn’t seem like that is the assignment.

So God, thanks for listening. I’ll keep the paper I have; for I guess you have seen worse and maybe seen better. When the time is up and I have to turn it in I expect I will do OK for originality even if it wasn’t perfect.