Out of the Comfort Zone/ Disconnecting auto pilot

There are times when I have found myself at an intersection. Something stops me, confronts me, presents itself, metaphorically blows up in front of me. I have a choice. The choices are autopilot, which may say to do nothing (let the choice go away or take care of itself) or to take the familiar turn or to want to run away from the decision or in other words try to turn back or to try something completely different. Something not as familiar or comfortable and unorthodox.

I wrote last about being discouraged and being presented with people doing things that were not cool, what I didn’t write was about the force that they were doing it. As a relatively low key person I don’t always do well with pit bulls or people not afraid to be “in your face” (whether or not they wear lipstick ), especially when they are in a place that I don’t expect them. I don’t confuse being low key with being a wimp or passive as I can also be quite formidable and immovable when provoked. This can be quite surprising to those who don’t know me as it can be like stepping on a rattle-snake.

But to be in that place for me often requires stepping out of a comfort zone. I like being a nice guy, I like being friendly and helpful, I like to work cooperatively, I don’t like being taken advantage in any way or form because of this. Who does!

So this past two weeks, which can go down in the book of weeks I’d like to forget, had me in such a place. The difference from other experiences was that it was an explosion, and confrontation, something mean spirited that I was presented with and the players were either manipulative or with extremely strong egos and self opinions of themselves and they presented this with such intensity that it took me very much off guard. It had me looking back, questioning decisions, questioning myself.


So my choices were to do nothing and hope it will blow over and feel like shit for having been “abused”. I could explode and demonstrate the actual authority I had over the situation. I would have to clean up the mess later but I would feel great in the moment. I could be manipulative back and find an alternative way to change behavior or “seek revenge”, which is an exhausting game to play and one I rarely like to play. The options and issues seemed a total blur.



Or I could disconnect the auto-pilot stepping out of my comfort zone and find a different route; confronting these strong willed perpetrators head on, calling them on their abuse, laying out expectations, leaving little doubt that I had many more options that I could exercise and that I was clearly willing to go there if necessary and also making them wait for the reaction. Basically daring them not to back down and apologize and see a wiser path.

So as I am writing about this in better frame of mind you can deduce that I chose the latter path and while it was rough and the path to sorting out the options not easy I am at a different place. I moved very much out my comfort zone to effectively respond to something formidable and new. While I know that my path is still lined with challenges on this I have grown and in some small way will never be the same. I am curious to see how this new growth will play itself out.

Throughout my life there are key times that I can point to where I have turned off the auto-pilot and in a very significant way stepped out of my comfort zone and taken a less comfortable direction. Like changes in the ring pattern of a tree these are my growth spots.

When life is like turning an aircraft carrier

This past week I was chatting with a manager who I recently hired and he said that there were many ways that he knew he could help improve the way his staff did their work and also make it easier, but they didn't want to hear some of it. I listened for a bit then told him to hold on to his ideas and not be discouraged and that we would talk further. Then I briefly shared a philosophy I have used for many years in management and in many aspects of my life that I refer to as "turning the aircraft carrier". Others might call it "taking the long view" but I like the visuals.

I find that I get varying responses from people whenever I share this. Some get it and some don't. Oh well!

This approach has come from some extremely difficult work and personal situations and experiences and when what was up front of me looked pretty bleak and discouraging and borderline hopeless.


The theory is that in turning an aircraft carrier you have to keep your eyes not just on the present but quite a distance into the future. If you want to turn it, or in life want to change something, it doesn't happen automatically and the initial work and decisions seem to have absolutely no impact. But to turn that carrier you have to have a vision of where you want to be and then start to make small changes that will gradually result in a cumulative big change. Plus once you have that change in motion it is much easier to move something that is moving. Eventually you will look back and go "wow" that's a big change that has occurred.



So in my manager's situation, he needs to make little changes that make people more comfortable with the direction he is leading them and gradually increase the number of changes until the cumulative amount of change becomes noticeable.

Is it easy to do this? Hell no. It takes tenacity and patience and a certain degree of optimism ....A few things I have felt blessed to have in varying degrees.

I have been in jobs when in my first week I was met by the IRS wanting payment of penalties for late payment and left the job several years later with it being profitable and healthy. Did I loose sleep and work phenomenal hours for which I was never fully compensated? Absolutely.

But for the most part I was treated well and these happened to be non profit organizations that provided a valuable service in the community and were also good employers to a lot of dedicated people. If I didn't succeed many people were going to loose their jobs. To get to the end where the "wolf was no longer at the door" I had to remember that I was turning an aircraft carrier and have the one year, two year, three year plan.

About a month after starting to run this spring I decided to go out on a limb and shared with someone that my short term goal was to run a 5k in under a half hour by summer and a 10k in under 60 minutes by fall. I have this spreadsheet that has tracked every workout since I started listing every workout by date, time, distance, route, amount of time a 5k would be finished at that pace and a 10k at that pace. I would tweak my routine to get the numbers I wanted.

If you have followed this blog you know that both goals have been accomplished and that I am now a fairly regular runner. Have I questioned my ability at time and worried that I would not be able to do it or would come in last, the proof is right here that I did. But then I put my head back down and worked at it. I also had a goal of being significantly lighter and have also met that goal and as a result have to buy smaller clothes.



So why am I telling this tale and sharing this philosophy? Because I need to remind myself of it at times. I have some challenges I am working on and its very easy for me to want to say I want out or I just want to avoid them. But I know I either shouldn't (the adult in me speaking) and I also know I can't hide from some tough decisions. I need to remind myself that this is nothing new and that I have done this before.

Change and the Waves

There are a few places where I really enjoy being and one of them is outer part of Cape Cod. The absolute opposite end of Massachusetts from where I call home its terrain is so much different, the light is so much brighter the breezes off the ocean are so constant. The waves are noisy but as soothing as the sound of the wind. The sands are always changing with each wave and each tide.

Yes, my perspective is that of a visitor, though a visitor for many more decades than I prefer to count. It’s probably similar to those who come to the Berkshires and experience life only on vacation and glow about how carefree life must be not have to with the mundane frustrations of finding nearby employment not being able to spend as if you were on vacation and the choices urbanites take for granted. Yet because I live in a place that also has many second home owners and where it springs to life in the summer, where you have to drive distances for things and have the challenges and delights of tourists. So I can appreciate the Cape from a different place, though our idea of tourist traffic is keeping away from Tanglewood on concert day, not the more constant crush of people every day.

This year as we only had a couple of days to visit we had the traditional things we do as a family, places we return to but always add something new. One of my traditions is getting up early (which is normal for me) and being down by the beach walking or running. It isn’t always the same beach, the choice is made once I get in the car. What I have noticed in these times is how differently change is measured. In the hills and in the woods we are very seasonally focused, for very obvious reasons. At the beach, which here I distinguish from the Cape as an area, change seems measured with almost every wave and every tide. Sand shifts, rocks move, some dunes have eroded, new channels are carved – the changes are so subtle but when you aren’t used to them you notice them. This time I noticed much change but it was all so minor on its own that it felt similar and not at the same time.

I guess that is the way it is with most change. It depends on your perspective, it depends on how close up you are to it or not. If you are able to step back you can see the progress of change. Not necessarily all good, but the progression just the same.

So I leave that place too soon, but with lots of perspective and thoughts and pockets full of rocks which I will write about soon. Seeing change is about slowing down to notice, changing perspective to see.