So what do these photos say?
The light is changing, more shadows are cast late in the day on the hills.
They were taken completely on the run, arriving late for a cross-country meet, as everyone was leaving or left, walking back down the hill to the car. Alot of things are seeming rushed even of there is time. I feel like there is much that is on the run, I am having to defend my time more than I like to have to.
Then there are the shadows. I am feeling blue. Unapologetically an absolute total liberal who finds it continually difficult to feel at odds with so many that I just do not understand how they think. I also want some things to be easy for a change. I want Caleb to wake up in the morning and find that his accident was a bad dream, I want the same for a friend who has cancer and one who has Krohn's. I want work to be uncomplicated for a change. I want someone to make the ant damage in my house go away without costing the same as a used car.
So for now I hunker down a bit, feeling like I can't be too down beat because I really don't want a pep talk or drag down everyone else, but not wanting to be upbeat. So I am quiet. I want something different. On Saturday I'll quietly help out on a Habitat project with my son and others and try to feed good karma to the world, I'll go for a longer run and try to feel good about the progress I've made, even though my times are quite lousy for the race I am hoping to do next month.
The glass is half full but it feels like it has a leak in it a small crack that lets energy drain. I need some glue.
2 comments:
Hi Jeff,
It takes a full spectrum of moods and emotions to make us complete. That you are able to acknowledge and admit that you've been disenchanted lately speaks to the fact that you are in tune and comfortable with yourself as a whole. (it may not feel like it right now, but isn't that the irony of it?). I admire that you are able to put it out there. Try to hold on until the clouds part, the sun inevitably shines.
It's hard to feel helpless in other peoples pain and suffering, but we can offer pieces of ourselves in the form of love, encouragement, and support. I would be willing to bet that we are not as helpless as we may sometimes think/feel. Sharyn for example constantly expresses gratitude for all the support they receive from everyone. Surely their journey would have been very different without it.
I bet you'll do just fine in your upcoming race. I sometimes have to remind myself that running is a very personal activity. So unless your a competitive athlete,(which I'm not), you're just racing against yourself. Therefore, if you set reasonable goals the outcome should be reasonable (I think). I too am finding it increasingly difficult to get up and out on these cooler darker mornings. Motivation can be elusive can't it?
I hope this doesn't come off as the "pep talk" that you were avoiding. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed it can be helpful to know that someone is listening, (even if it's a stranger), maybe get some validation, or another perspective.
I hope that's O.K.
Melissa
Thanks Melissa....In reality I am very comfortable with what I am feeling even though the feeling is very uncomfortable. I know why I feel blue and a bit maxed out and much of this is my response to things that are external to me, some that very much effects me and some that does not. My expressing how I feel, especially when it is not upbeat, often makes other people uncomfortable and feel the need to try to fix it. I know that is what I try to do.
Thanks for listening
Jeff
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