If I were to have to describe myself in a couple of words guess it would be that I am an optimistic spirit.

When I feel down or up against it I may hit the wall hard and hurt but there always has seemed to be a glimmer of resiliency that continues to glow. It may be just an ember however dim and it may take me a while to find it or believe it is there, but it is still; there an opportunity; or is it a piece of hope?

I often see that ember in others even though they may not see it at all and at times I have been able to help them stoke it and help them see it and grow with it.

With age I guess one of the most significant life lessons I have learned is that, at least in me that ember has been there. Even when I totally doubted it and saw no hope, it was there and it has allowed me to readjust course course, expand my horizons in all sorts of ways and to ultimately come back more than once from a heap after a "crash".

So why the morose yet optimistic post?

Part of this feeling of hope is also that other people, if they want to, can change. Working as a manager I have worked with people that many people had written off. Listened to them, nurtured and coached them and seen them bloom in a new way that they and their critics couldn't have imagined. It hasn't worked with everyone and I have been stung, but it has successfully happened more than a half dozen times. Yet sometimes there are a group of detractors who don't want to see that image change, say they believe that people can change but continue to critiques through that old warped lens. I find that hard and I am dealing with that with a couple of people now that I am working with them, while their critics refuse to hit the "refresh button".


I also find that I lately have so much more doubt in myself. I know that the resilience is there and I will continue to remake myself but I question so much.


There have been situations when I feel like a dump truck of snow has dumped on me and the instructions are to find the shovel and dig out. I am weary because of my pushing for plans to "plant shovels" along the way for such an event, went unlistened to brushed off. I am angry because the result is that as I am forced to deal with situations, I must turn down opportunities that nurture the soul and potentially stoke the embers of parts of me that needs it.

I know the analogy is a little obscure for me to expect anyone to get. So this post is about thinking and processing out loud. Remembering that life can change in a moment and opportunities can present themselves at any time.

People also know that I tend to have an optimistic outlook and take naturally to the cheerleader / coach role that it throws them when I feel buried. This is one of those times I wish I had a "me" to coach me.

The snow continues to fall and I sit mulling over whether to grab the skis and head for the forest. Perhaps that is exactly what I need at this moment.