Completely Discouraged

In these early hours of the morning as I sit down I look at the list of blogs in my "favorites" and randomly cruise others, landing on some for a second or two before I move on. I know how that is because the site counter here records many people who do the same thing. Bloggers like me put thoughts and ideas and reflections of experiences out there. Why, because it seems more concrete and useful than talking to trees.

In the spring I put up a post that rhetorically asked, does it matter. I was feeling at a low point having been mocked or dis'd for some of the things I do or have done. I left it up a few days and remarkably it got a few comments from some very kind folks but then I took it down because it was too raw too exposing. Well this morning I put it back up. Lost in the chronology of this blog, but our there.

Why did I? One of the joys and frustrations of a blog is you don't know who reads it. To me that sometimes matters as I get into personal stuff or stuff about other people. The tone of that earlier post hits a little like I am feeling, extremely discouraged. An absolutely horrendous week. I wish I could shut down email at work and in the world and insist that others get off their ass and talk to your face to face or pick up the dam phone and ask questions, validate information, inquire.....rather than lob bombs and walk away. While I am definitely an email junky there are many many times when at work I consciously pick up the phone or walk down the hall or to another floor to seek someone out. I am now working with some people whose preferred mode of communication is email and they complain about lack of communication and being out of the know. There are also people who go completely off the wall and you have to figure out that the real reason is not really the one they are yelling about or seem upset about, it is really something or things remotely related that have triggered the reaction.

The same can be said about groups I am involved with outside of work. People use emails too hastily. It is extremely rare that I will be angry in either a work or non work email. The written word is much more biting as there is no inflection and no body language and there is no immediate dialog. Often times when I need to communicate by email I will write drafts and check spelling and read it out loud to hear how it sounds. Enough times I have been stung by cutting comments and words that were out of line. Sometimes I will respond with one word "ouch" and that will get a reaction.

Managing people is difficult and I will never understand people who will never ask about something or give you the benefit of the doubt when something doesn't seem right or in character. Especially when it seems out of character or they don't even know someone to know if it is in character. They just complain and spout off to each other or to others and poison the atmosphere. I have enough very difficult work that I have to do that is frustrating and constantly throwing me curves without this.

I will also never understand people, in or out of work, who assume to know the depth of your reasons or thoughts on things. While I know this sounds arrogant (and since it is my blog I can be alittle arrogant) I am genuinely a good person and a good person to have as a boss, co-worker, friend, employee, colleague. While I have my foibles and quirks, I am very introspective, polite, considerate of others and thoughtful of the effect my actions have on others. I know that this is true because I am told that by many people unsolicited as employees, friends, people in the community.

So yesterday I threw in a five mile run at lunch to help deal with this and I have run 3-4 miles most days this week to deal with this and I still feel like crap and wishing I could throw my hands up and drop out of many things for a while. I can only imagine how I would feel without the running. Its much better than drinking or eating.

So we'll see how long this post stays up and there is no picture or image I could add to this except perhaps a picture of my winning lottery ticket (I wish). I may in a short while decide it too is too raw or reveling but again it is better than yelling at trees. I've also tried that.