A Pause

I have been working on some pieces in the few minutes I have computer access in the early mornings.....but haven't had enough time to finish. I am exhausted by nighttime and since we are determined to regulate on line access for the kids, as much we can, I end up being in line and usually at the end. So writing is at a pause.

Running has also been on a pause for the past couple of weeks at the recommendation of suggestion of the MD. How the hell some indirect body parts can be negatively effected by running had me initially scratching my head. It also is frustrating when you are doing something that is good for you and you have to stop it.

But I hope to be able to get out there sometime this weekend, though I know I have lost some good momentum and getting back into the routine, especially with such cold will be difficult. For the next few days we are off to visit extended family, in- laws to me so perhaps some time on the hotel treadmill we be some help.

A good thanksgiving to all out there in blogland. It seems like finding things to be thankful for is more difficult this year, until you fine someone who has recently lost someone, or lost their job or is in poor health or just has it worse off than you. Then you realize that there is much to be thankful for.

Today

23 degrees, the air is clear and crisp. The grass is dried *or freeze dried) and leaves and remaining greenery curled up for protection. It feels like November. Though we have had snow a few times it does not last, the ground is still warm enough to melt and absorb it. Not the constant cold. I’ve seen more deer out and about this week…more so than I have usually seen. Foraging for food already?

Hard to believe this is 4 tons of wood ( well actually it is only 2 tons inside) and we’ve already cut into some of it. The stove turns itself on more and more regularly with the dropping temperatures and I again become tuned in to the various sounds it makes to know that everything is working fine….or not By March I will be totally sick of this stuff. Hauling the daily or twice a day bag of pellets in, cleaning out the ash, moving these big pallets (what happened to the picture) little by little.

It’s been a dead week for being outside. My run last Saturday threw off a cascade of ailments lasting most of the week. It gets tough when your body punishes you for doing something good,


Life around town is quiet. On a few tourists so they aren’t really noticed much. This weekend 10 high schools take over the main theater of Shakespeare & Company. They have been working with directors, producer and costumers and set people from S&Co. to each produce one of Shakespeare’s works. The quality of course varies from ok to exceptional but the spirit is contagious and amazing. Our family of course will there most of the weekend in various numbers.

Out of the Comfort Zone/ Disconnecting auto pilot

There are times when I have found myself at an intersection. Something stops me, confronts me, presents itself, metaphorically blows up in front of me. I have a choice. The choices are autopilot, which may say to do nothing (let the choice go away or take care of itself) or to take the familiar turn or to want to run away from the decision or in other words try to turn back or to try something completely different. Something not as familiar or comfortable and unorthodox.

I wrote last about being discouraged and being presented with people doing things that were not cool, what I didn’t write was about the force that they were doing it. As a relatively low key person I don’t always do well with pit bulls or people not afraid to be “in your face” (whether or not they wear lipstick ), especially when they are in a place that I don’t expect them. I don’t confuse being low key with being a wimp or passive as I can also be quite formidable and immovable when provoked. This can be quite surprising to those who don’t know me as it can be like stepping on a rattle-snake.

But to be in that place for me often requires stepping out of a comfort zone. I like being a nice guy, I like being friendly and helpful, I like to work cooperatively, I don’t like being taken advantage in any way or form because of this. Who does!

So this past two weeks, which can go down in the book of weeks I’d like to forget, had me in such a place. The difference from other experiences was that it was an explosion, and confrontation, something mean spirited that I was presented with and the players were either manipulative or with extremely strong egos and self opinions of themselves and they presented this with such intensity that it took me very much off guard. It had me looking back, questioning decisions, questioning myself.


So my choices were to do nothing and hope it will blow over and feel like shit for having been “abused”. I could explode and demonstrate the actual authority I had over the situation. I would have to clean up the mess later but I would feel great in the moment. I could be manipulative back and find an alternative way to change behavior or “seek revenge”, which is an exhausting game to play and one I rarely like to play. The options and issues seemed a total blur.



Or I could disconnect the auto-pilot stepping out of my comfort zone and find a different route; confronting these strong willed perpetrators head on, calling them on their abuse, laying out expectations, leaving little doubt that I had many more options that I could exercise and that I was clearly willing to go there if necessary and also making them wait for the reaction. Basically daring them not to back down and apologize and see a wiser path.

So as I am writing about this in better frame of mind you can deduce that I chose the latter path and while it was rough and the path to sorting out the options not easy I am at a different place. I moved very much out my comfort zone to effectively respond to something formidable and new. While I know that my path is still lined with challenges on this I have grown and in some small way will never be the same. I am curious to see how this new growth will play itself out.

Throughout my life there are key times that I can point to where I have turned off the auto-pilot and in a very significant way stepped out of my comfort zone and taken a less comfortable direction. Like changes in the ring pattern of a tree these are my growth spots.

Completely Discouraged

In these early hours of the morning as I sit down I look at the list of blogs in my "favorites" and randomly cruise others, landing on some for a second or two before I move on. I know how that is because the site counter here records many people who do the same thing. Bloggers like me put thoughts and ideas and reflections of experiences out there. Why, because it seems more concrete and useful than talking to trees.

In the spring I put up a post that rhetorically asked, does it matter. I was feeling at a low point having been mocked or dis'd for some of the things I do or have done. I left it up a few days and remarkably it got a few comments from some very kind folks but then I took it down because it was too raw too exposing. Well this morning I put it back up. Lost in the chronology of this blog, but our there.

Why did I? One of the joys and frustrations of a blog is you don't know who reads it. To me that sometimes matters as I get into personal stuff or stuff about other people. The tone of that earlier post hits a little like I am feeling, extremely discouraged. An absolutely horrendous week. I wish I could shut down email at work and in the world and insist that others get off their ass and talk to your face to face or pick up the dam phone and ask questions, validate information, inquire.....rather than lob bombs and walk away. While I am definitely an email junky there are many many times when at work I consciously pick up the phone or walk down the hall or to another floor to seek someone out. I am now working with some people whose preferred mode of communication is email and they complain about lack of communication and being out of the know. There are also people who go completely off the wall and you have to figure out that the real reason is not really the one they are yelling about or seem upset about, it is really something or things remotely related that have triggered the reaction.

The same can be said about groups I am involved with outside of work. People use emails too hastily. It is extremely rare that I will be angry in either a work or non work email. The written word is much more biting as there is no inflection and no body language and there is no immediate dialog. Often times when I need to communicate by email I will write drafts and check spelling and read it out loud to hear how it sounds. Enough times I have been stung by cutting comments and words that were out of line. Sometimes I will respond with one word "ouch" and that will get a reaction.

Managing people is difficult and I will never understand people who will never ask about something or give you the benefit of the doubt when something doesn't seem right or in character. Especially when it seems out of character or they don't even know someone to know if it is in character. They just complain and spout off to each other or to others and poison the atmosphere. I have enough very difficult work that I have to do that is frustrating and constantly throwing me curves without this.

I will also never understand people, in or out of work, who assume to know the depth of your reasons or thoughts on things. While I know this sounds arrogant (and since it is my blog I can be alittle arrogant) I am genuinely a good person and a good person to have as a boss, co-worker, friend, employee, colleague. While I have my foibles and quirks, I am very introspective, polite, considerate of others and thoughtful of the effect my actions have on others. I know that this is true because I am told that by many people unsolicited as employees, friends, people in the community.

So yesterday I threw in a five mile run at lunch to help deal with this and I have run 3-4 miles most days this week to deal with this and I still feel like crap and wishing I could throw my hands up and drop out of many things for a while. I can only imagine how I would feel without the running. Its much better than drinking or eating.

So we'll see how long this post stays up and there is no picture or image I could add to this except perhaps a picture of my winning lottery ticket (I wish). I may in a short while decide it too is too raw or reveling but again it is better than yelling at trees. I've also tried that.

Differences

It is interesting working with people with different political views. I am most proudly and unashamed out there as the view and perspective from the left of the political and social scale. My views are really not really that radical or extreme but my tolerance for diversity of all types is quite high and thoughts on personal and societal responsibility give me that positioning. A few weeks ago I did an on-line survey of views and tolerance and I was clearly on the far left of the range with Barack and Hillary to the right. The Dali Lama was in my neighborhood, which IMO is cool and good company. Much of this is rooted in my own deep sense of spirituality.

I work with people who have opinions similar to mine but also some with perspectives that are clearly far right of center and who occasionally feel that their opinions are the only ones that can be correct. I have to hold my tongue allot because in a discussion where they get rolling and want to spout off further and further to the right, I absolutely can't resist moving even further and further to the left. It drives them crazy! Mean, yeah I know. But you gotta have some fun with people who take themselves way too seriously.

So you can imagine the day after an election of the first African American President, whom I consider a complete centrist and some consider a socialist. Behaviors are acted out in ways that have nothing to do with the real issues of work, some are just totally quiet or some just go on and on. I had a conversation this afternoon with a co-worker who is quite bright and seems to try and research everything under the sun yet he was so poorly informed on Obama's positions and opinions. I could tell that he probably had listened intently to one or two similar sources of information and perspective not the dozen or so that are available. So it becomes a teaching moment. The others I just stay away from and let them simmer in their anger.

It is fascinating to me how our varied upbringings and life experiences and basic brain chemistry make us who we are and how I can so very clearly see something in one way or be totally fine with something while another person sees it 180 degrees differently or is offended by something that I can't even understand.

Its one of those many things that makes us human and interesting and frustrating to one another, all at the same time.

YES WE CAN!!!!!!!

Relatives you don't know

I got a telephone call today from the wife of my grandfather's grand nephew. Get that one for a genealogical tongue twister. My grandfather's father is the great grandfather of the husband of this person. I had never really heard of the "great grandmother" in this story because my grandmother always spoke of his step mother.

So what do you say to a person who technically is a relative but I really haven't a clue about and besides the curiosity of ancestry don't have much motivation to connect. It is always fun and interesting to meet new people but it is difficult to be familiar to someone you don't know, even if they are a relative.

Genealogy is one of those things that can be a confusing puzzle. While each of us has a straight line back in history it is the intersection of these straight lines and subsequent off shoots which there are many people.

Like many people in New England some of my family lines are traceable for many many generations going back. There are a couple of lines that are traced back to the 1500s and 1600s; have some interesting names added in along the way. There are others for which I have information and photos and and some possessions going back to the late 1700s. The names in this group are so familiar to me as they are my mother's and grandmother's line and they often spoke of the people who are now just photographs and names on a chart. They all tended to live in the same area so the roots are deep.

But the line that the person has been seeking out is one which I have little information on. My grandfather didn't speak much about his family to me and I guess didn't to my Mom, who is the source of any information I have and he died when I was in my late teens (more than a few years back).

I have heard from this person before and she has sent me some information that she and others who are also researching this line have found. She actually tracked me down from my grandmother's obituary of 25 years ago and then through my mothers of 5 years ago. I was the one on the survivor list who answered the phone.

It is interesting, my reaction when they share some of this information. The story goes that my great-grandfather took my grandfather and left his wife at the time to travel out west. From all the recounts of that these people have from the wife, my great-grandfather wasn't a nice guy, to say it mildly. I have had decades to remember the pieces yet during this phone call I was lost all over again. I had heard about my grandfather traveling out west with his Dad and having a very interesting childhood but not that great-granddad deserted great-grandma. I heard more about the person he later married and became my grandfather's step mother and who was fondly recalled by my mother for her cooking and running a boarding house. One thing I inherited was her cookbook from the 1800s. An interesting read but not easy to follow as it assumes you are cooking off a wood stove. What they didn't have thermostats back then? Some of the ingredients are hard to find now and they sure did use lard a lot.

What I have found interesting in hearing about the "bad things" my great-grandfather did in leaving his first wife is that I felt the need to question "was there another side to this? "was it perhaps not as cut and dry?" Perhaps I am adding the lenses and perspective of a 21st century person who has seen many people have failed relationships and it was not always one sided. My grandfather was married to my grandmother for 60 years, so wouldn't that be true of his father? Of course perhaps why my grandfather was married so long is because of his experience as a kid. What is interesting is why it would really matter. Or is it that I don't like people maligned who aren't around to defend themselves.

So I had a nice chat with this person and sent her some photos that I did have from way back and will look for the few letters that I can recall passed down to me from many decades past. Perhaps we will chat again. She is eager to solve the puzzles of who each person is and where they fit in. I guess I am more concerned with the immediate at this time. History is fun but the mold in the bathroom and the reason behind it is what I have further up on the list. [though I suspect it is the marathon showers common to teenagers.

So why did I write this? I guess because it is interesting that you never know who you are related to. As the family tree extends itself it gets wider and wider and the possible numbers of people you can be related to is staggering.

The first Snow

Driving home in the dark the temperature goes from 48 to 33 in 45 minutes. The wind picks up and the rain turns to snow.


Not even November and there is a quarter inch of the white stuff and its flying all around. Probably won't be around in the morning and least after the sun rises and things warm up a little. But its the sign of what inevitably comes.

The wind is blowing in that howling hollow sound that is so familiar and so eiry yet somewhat comforting. For it always seems like the wind is going somewhere and I try to imagine where. There are parts of the valley near where I live where I can see Mt Greylock to the north, probably 30 miles as the bird flies but looking as clear as if it were in the next town. So often I know the wind is headed there and then to whip around and head to the east.

The first snow. Familiar yet different each time.

When life is like turning an aircraft carrier

This past week I was chatting with a manager who I recently hired and he said that there were many ways that he knew he could help improve the way his staff did their work and also make it easier, but they didn't want to hear some of it. I listened for a bit then told him to hold on to his ideas and not be discouraged and that we would talk further. Then I briefly shared a philosophy I have used for many years in management and in many aspects of my life that I refer to as "turning the aircraft carrier". Others might call it "taking the long view" but I like the visuals.

I find that I get varying responses from people whenever I share this. Some get it and some don't. Oh well!

This approach has come from some extremely difficult work and personal situations and experiences and when what was up front of me looked pretty bleak and discouraging and borderline hopeless.


The theory is that in turning an aircraft carrier you have to keep your eyes not just on the present but quite a distance into the future. If you want to turn it, or in life want to change something, it doesn't happen automatically and the initial work and decisions seem to have absolutely no impact. But to turn that carrier you have to have a vision of where you want to be and then start to make small changes that will gradually result in a cumulative big change. Plus once you have that change in motion it is much easier to move something that is moving. Eventually you will look back and go "wow" that's a big change that has occurred.



So in my manager's situation, he needs to make little changes that make people more comfortable with the direction he is leading them and gradually increase the number of changes until the cumulative amount of change becomes noticeable.

Is it easy to do this? Hell no. It takes tenacity and patience and a certain degree of optimism ....A few things I have felt blessed to have in varying degrees.

I have been in jobs when in my first week I was met by the IRS wanting payment of penalties for late payment and left the job several years later with it being profitable and healthy. Did I loose sleep and work phenomenal hours for which I was never fully compensated? Absolutely.

But for the most part I was treated well and these happened to be non profit organizations that provided a valuable service in the community and were also good employers to a lot of dedicated people. If I didn't succeed many people were going to loose their jobs. To get to the end where the "wolf was no longer at the door" I had to remember that I was turning an aircraft carrier and have the one year, two year, three year plan.

About a month after starting to run this spring I decided to go out on a limb and shared with someone that my short term goal was to run a 5k in under a half hour by summer and a 10k in under 60 minutes by fall. I have this spreadsheet that has tracked every workout since I started listing every workout by date, time, distance, route, amount of time a 5k would be finished at that pace and a 10k at that pace. I would tweak my routine to get the numbers I wanted.

If you have followed this blog you know that both goals have been accomplished and that I am now a fairly regular runner. Have I questioned my ability at time and worried that I would not be able to do it or would come in last, the proof is right here that I did. But then I put my head back down and worked at it. I also had a goal of being significantly lighter and have also met that goal and as a result have to buy smaller clothes.



So why am I telling this tale and sharing this philosophy? Because I need to remind myself of it at times. I have some challenges I am working on and its very easy for me to want to say I want out or I just want to avoid them. But I know I either shouldn't (the adult in me speaking) and I also know I can't hide from some tough decisions. I need to remind myself that this is nothing new and that I have done this before.

10 K in under an hour & far from last

YEAH!!!!!!

Its cold and tomorrow's 10k

It cold……………….30 degrees in the morning, the grass is covered with frost and it is still just October. The winter fuel supply, 4 tons of pellets, hopefully will be delivered some time next week. It is hard to believe that by next spring I (and yes it is mostly me) will have moved these 4 tons bag by bag into the garage for intermediate storage and then into the house for the stove. If I treat it like a workout then I see the benefit thought I can tell you that I fail to see that benefit hauling in a bag at 11PM to load up the stove for the night. But is inexpensive warm heat so that surely is a benefit

Tomorrow is my first 10k (6.2 miles) race. www.brocktrot.org. A town race that draws a few hundred people. The route is a winding country road with some long hills then looping around Tanglewood and up a steady grade and then off to the back entrance of Shakespeare and Company.

When I started running in February and March my goal was to do a 5k (3.1 miles) by summer and a 10k (6.2 miles) by fall. While I am confident that I will finish, as I often run 7-8 miles along the same route on weekends, my objective tomorrow is to not finish last. My pace for 6 miles is about 60 minutes, which is about 15 minutes faster than the last person in the 2007 race.

But as I look at the predictions it is for 34 degrees at the 9AM start time. So tonight I am digging out the gloves and trying to figure out the layers so I don’t freeze but also don’t overheat. For the 7:30 registration it will be full sweats and fleece.

Then after the race its off to be a parent driver on a teen trick to a corn maze. Should be an interesting Sunday……..

Wish me a warm tail wind…….

Olivia's Overlook

One of the nicest views around. Up Lenox Mountain a couple of miles from Tanglewood. Olivia's Overlook sits on part of the Yokun Ridge. Owned by the Berkshire Natural Resources Council there are several beautiful trails around the ridge. Click on the title of this post for their page. The opening in the trees was created when a gas pipeline was laid and there is a small parking lot and has a spectacular view of Tanglewood fireworks, watching the stars and just checking out the view like this.


The water is Stockbridge Bowl, a mid sized Berkshire lake. The overlook sits in a spot that is very close to being the intersection of Lenox, Richmond and West Stockbridge.

Here is  More information on Olivia's Overlook that I added in a blog entry on December 3, 2011 with more pictures.

Tanglewood off season

As the range and distance of my morning runs has expanded I often find my self running across town past the old white church and the "haunted" B&B and the old cemetery and and along what many would call a country road passing a stable, some extraordinary views of wetlands and past a few farms that have become upscale B&Bs. As I make the turn to head back into town, and then out the other side for home, I come to Tanglewood. This is about an 8 mile run with some serious hills so its become a favorite for early Sunday morning just after sunrise. As I usually don't like to carry the camera when I run distances because of the weight, I came back a little later.


The season is over and the BSO has returned to Boston and the tourists and students are have left this part of town. The vast fields that serve as parking lots are just fields along the brightly colored hills. In the winter we locals gather here for sledding.



The gates are open for walking and sightseers and some local high school cross country teams use the vast lawns for sprinting practice. The shop was open with a 40% off sale for the few people that would venture down to these parts.
The road past Tanglewood goes from Lenox through the backroads of Stockbridge past Kripalu and West Stockbridge and eventually down to Great Barrington, so while there is a good amount of traffic its usually people going somewhere else or like me looking to wander around.

The shed is all closed up to protect it from the snow and driving winds but you can still walk inside and climb up on the stage and wander the aisles.
This will stay closed up until spring when it becomes the site of many of the high school graduations. Having use of such a big place means never having to worry about tickets to these events or the fickleness of the weather.


When I was wandering the lawns there was this lone person with his lawn chair and newspaper enjoying the sun. Hard to believe the 15,000 that crowded this same space a few months back to see James Taylor and thousands would be here several times a week.


Occasionally there will be an event off-season but it will be in the lovely Ozawa Hall concert hall, which is a good walk from the shed and accessible from another point.


The views from the old mansion are extraordinary overlooking Stockbridge Bowl(Lake Mackinac)





or the hills to the west.

As you look at this now it is difficult to comprehend the activity that takes place during the season. The tour buses, the students, the cars and the tourists, the world renown artists who have summer homes a few minutes from here and some that live here year round but are just part of the community and no one special. They are parents who pick their kids up from school or volunteer like us on school projects.


The tourists are here this weekend but it is mainly the leaves they have come to see. Soon the leaves will have fallen and the snow covering the great lawns and an it will sleep 'til spring.

Impacting your tiny corner of the world

I guess I am like most people in wondering if I ever really have an impact on the world around me. That sounded quite defeatist and that extremeness is not what I meant, for of course we have an impact. But do we resonate?

I am mildly neurotic about recycling. Not in an aggressive sense but in a persistent sense. We try to do our part at home in making choices on purchases and usually recycling as much or more than the trash we put out for pick up. I am also not shy when I am at work or church or volunteering at school in retrieving all the tossed water bottles, and plastic containers from the trash and bringing them home. It no longer bothers me that my head is in a barrel poking around for plastics and cans. Often when I do it I get a comment of "oh you are so good and I should do that". Well that wasn't the point (although it really is the point, yes they should, we all should.) But I don't do it to guilt people or make them feel bad, I just do it because it bothers me to see how much stuff is thrown out that can be recycled. Preaching takes up too much energy and laying on guilt never works and makes me seem really compulsive, which I am far from.

But as we have had parties at work, more people started asking if I wanted to take the recyclables and cleaned them and put them aside, then a couple of weeks ago the blue containers appeared for collecting plastics and cans and I was asked if I wanted to share the pick up job, which of course I said yes.....and the containers are close to being full each week. I am still working on the paper recycling at work but that is tougher because there is a cost involved.

Then tonight I was at a parent meeting holding my water bottle that gets refilled about 50 times before it is recycled (yes I know about plastic breaking down) when another parent who I have worked on multiple events and projects with over the years came up to me and said "you know I have become almost like you. You were always pulling out the recyclables and bringing them home that I found myself feeling guilty about throwing the stuff away and now have a bin at work and sort everything at home and I am making others in my family do the same." She added that when her kids gave me a hard time I say "Jeff would be pulling these out""

It made me smile. Ripples in the waters of life.

So if you are reading this I am going to plan this seed, not guilt just an example. Yes I would pick up the empty water or juice bottle and either take it home or find a recycling bin.

A Beautiful Day in the Berkshires

A flock of geese grazing among the chopped down corn stalks


A pair of mushrooms in the yard



The valley beyond the lake

Feeling green

As I observe the evolution of the several blogs that I follow, the writers often get to a point where they inevitably write "why am I doing this" or they stop writing all together or take a long break. There is also that common "who am I speaking to" statement whether the blog gets high traffic or never a hit. I have been there from time to time. What is it that attracts others to check in on your blog? For some it is something dramatic going on or rants that are amusing to follow or challenges. I don't have much drama going on in my life right now. Thank you! For now if anything, I get frustrated because my camera time (which prompts my writing) is more and more when I am in the car and which is very limited and my writing time is when I can get on a computer when there isn't a line at home. Trying to compartmentalize writing is not easy for me.

I feel like I am on the road a lot. In reality I am. I commute around 2000 miles a month plus occasional trips to Boston and then the usual driving around on the weekend. I hate to look at the odometer. It is a tremendous waste of time but I do try to make it useful by listening to books and as a result I am quite well read. I do however find that I occasionally just space out and have to move the book back or I look at the road and go where am I?


From time to time I reach this point where I am in this total fog. I think I have mentioned this before but I am too lazy to look back. So many things are flying at me at work and at home that I feel like a cross between a deer in the headlights and a pro-tennis player in a match. Strange combination? One is total sensory overload and subsequent resentment of this overload the other is that I usually kick in gear and handle the tasks like the balls. Though the past year I feel like so many balls have been coming in my direction that some I just let go by.


Then I feel bad because I couldn't / can't handle it all. Sort of like being at this rail crossing and you have to get to the switch in time to manually move it and when your constantly busy at the other end of the track you can't realistically cover both ends. For me this also has the price of a crash. When I go through phases like this and the output and stimulation is extremely high I just want to just escape from life for a while. In reality I know it is that I want a total realignment of things that I am too late in my career / life combination to accomplish. They say its never too late, but as I have just had another birthday with a number that makes me cringe and face multiple obligations reality overtakes choice, at least for now. Its in these times when I do best if I can cook or play with some clay or take the camera out for a walk or run or kayak. Doing something concrete seems to settle me for a while as there is so much in my world that is not.



Wouldn't it be nice if in life there were runaway ramps like this? When you are going way to fast you can pull off to the side and up the ramp of gravel and cruise to a stop and let traffic pass you by. Though the shock of the stop, sort of like a bungee cord is also a little jarring as a way to stop. Then you have to pay to have the ramp re groomed. In a book I just finished the price listed for re grooming that trucks were forced to pay was $250.



The seasons are changing here in the hills. Its inevitable as life itself. Fall is pretty but I am definitely more of a summer person. Plus when you live in a house with lots of trees you look at the changing leaves not only as foliage but as "when are they going to fall and I have to rake them up.

So as I drive along I look at life over the guardrail and sometimes imaging what it is like down in the yonder valley. The guardrail keeps us contained, though not necessarily safe. I also think about what it must have been like before this highway came through, the contours of the land, the unobstructed valleys. I seem to be traveling through this world of theirs, contained in this metal box along with several other metal boxes moving in the same directions.



How many times have I seen this view. In the morning I travel east to work which of course means that I return to the west. The sunsets are often different and there are special views I look forward to that last only a few seconds. Too quick to even photograph, I've tried. Sometimes the sunset is intense, especially in spring and fall when the sun is in-between being low and high. In the summer the sunset comes long after I am home though occasionally I am leaving late and it is intense. In the winter it is dark at 5 so what is left of the sunset are only the corners on the horizon.



So what is with this green photo? Its a photo of trees and grass taken at 70mph. A blur of color that I just seemed to like. Aren't the colors neat? It also kind of looks like I've been feeling. A little on the green side and we all know its tough being green.




So I await the parting of the fog, the time when I am not feeling as green, a time when I am not the deer in the headlights, a time when I don't feel as wiped as I often do.

Musings of sorts

In case you haven't noticed I am rather guarded about personal stuff I put out here. I know some of the people who drop by but others I do not. So If you are in the "I don't know you" category please don't be offended and don't stop coming by. We writers write to be read and don't believe anyone who says otherwise. I also tend to keep personal stuff to myself in general, so when I do share it, it is possible that this is the only place I am I sharing it.

I was thinking today how good I feel. I have been running for roughly 28 weeks and today ran almost 8 miles in an hour and a quarter. Yes its an absolute pathetic time for some but for someone who has been only moderately physically active the last 20 years, this is a major accomplishment and as I have written before, this definitely is not a flat track we are talking about. Plus I am over 25 pounds lighter and have had to go clothes shopping.

I do get discouraged because the times are slow and only improve minutely but I find I enjoy the feeling that comes from running. Yes there is a high and it is a legal and respectful on and one that is a good example for my kids. I am a morning runner as later in the day I just feel worn out from work and commuting. This past week it was so dark that I went searching at lunch for reflector tape and flashers to append to myself. Since some of the roads I run at 5AM are barely illuminated by street lights the flashers go a distance and keep the rare car at a safe distance.

Growing up this time of year was birthday time. My mom, dad and I were born on dates that are within a week. So as my birthday approaches I am reminded of my parents who died five years ago two months apart and who I no longer celebrate a birthday with. I makes me somewhat melancholy. I still get caught on the thought of the two funerals that were in quick succession, with neither being at "death's door" due to illness and then the full year of sorting through their affairs and closing things down. Yes I shared it with a sibling but there are many things you do not share. In a world where I think we all like transitions, there was none to this.

It is the beginning of a new school year and the kids are immersed in classes and new friends and lots of activities. Good Morning America came through the area in their train entourage complete with many helicopers flying over the neighborhood and area to accommodate live satelite feeds and traffic being diverted from its regular routes. Which meant the regular way to drop of the kids at school was not longer the regular way. But it worked out fine and one kid was playing in the band as the train arrived and got to see James Taylor and YoYo Ma perform on the porch of the Red Lion in. Both James and YoYo are locals so their sightings are not that unusual but the chance to see them perform together is always an experience.

The calendar gets a bit chaotic and as they advance through the teen years our role as parents clearly changes. Sometimes like traversing a mine field but most of the time just differently pleasant and I get wistful that this phase also will end too soon and things will become too quiet in the house. But I don't like to think of it.

Fall projects are on the list. The carpenter is scheduled to fix all the damage caused by the ants and at a price that is a small fraction of the first quote we got in the summer that was an amount I could have replaced a car with. The pellets are on order in hopefully will be delivered before the constant cold. All over the neighborhood white stacks on pallets are popping up every day. We started a trend.

So in general life in the Berkshires is good. Some of the tourists came back this weekend for the Apple Squeeze festival in Lenox and Latino festival in Lee. Lots of good food and something for the locals to do as well.

Clocks and gears and pendulum

We have a large clock that stands about 7 feet tall. The simple wood case, with its very dark stain was made by my great-great grandfather about a century and a half ago living in the small town of Colrain Massachusetts. [this was once a tidbit I would use as a response when I started working near there early in my career and some of the locals called me an "outsider" as my family can be trace in that area going back to the 1600s.]

But that is not the point. This clock is tall but not wide. Some people call it a grandfather clock though I have read that because of its thin size that it could also be call a grandmother clock.

But that is not the point either. This clock originally had wooden gears and works that made it run but the story is that some of them broke and my great grandmother stored them in a box until they were unceremoniously tossed in the trash. Eeeeekkkk was even the reaction I can remember 40 years ago.


But believe it or not that is not the point either, but I am getting closer. The clock stood empty and quiet for many many decades, being passed down a few generations until my Mom and Dad who had a friend who liked to work on clocks. Her ordered and installed new insides and another artist friend took the face and repainted it. The narrowness of the case determined the chime that could be installed and this is a very simple gong on the hour and single hit on the half hour. Then for the next twenty years or so it rhythmically ticked and chimed on the hour and on the half and then it stopped. It had become such a presence. The sound heard in throughout the night and the day.

The friend who had fixed it had long died so it again just sat there for another five years until I inherited from my parents.

Fortunately there is a clock shop in the Berkshires who took out the innards immediately after moving it here. Three months later (12 weeks to be precise) and it was back, its rhythmic tic and gentle gong that I would hear though out the house in the middle of the night. And then a year later it stopped.

With a minimum fee of $100 just to come look at it and then more to do something I was reluctant to immediately call someone and decided to look inside myself. The clock would wind up but the pendulum would move back and forth for about a minute then stop. You can see from these pictures that there are several gears and wires and ratchets. But then I spotted that the pendulum was just hanging.



Looking closer and closer, something that becomes less easy with these middle aged eyes, I found that there were many possible places from which to attach the pendulum. Each of which would enable it to move for a minute or so and then it would stop.

Each day I would come back to the clock and take off the face and try another position for the pendulum to hook to until finally it continued to swing and was back in business. The pendulum swung and the gears moved and parts spun around and around and the hands turned until that familiar bong.

I took these pictures of the insides to remind me of where it attaches for when it happens again. But as you can see taking pictures really close up makes it difficult for the camera to figure out how or what to focus on.

So is there a point to this post other than a pleasant story about a clock? I really is about how things fit together, how one piece out of place can totally stop the works and how it can sometimes be just a delicate attachment and connection that starts things back to working again. But how that connection can be broken again, but as you learn the weak points you can work around them, fix as necessary and the Little fixes stay little, even though not doing them makes everything stop.

Hills

One of the physical realities of living in my part of the Berkshires is the hills. They are everywhere and even a grade that looks somewhat flat probably isn't. In a car that doesn't matter much but if you are biking or running they are always something to contend with.

When I run in the morning and run the route that goes into town I leave my driveway, run uphill a tenth of a mile, round the corner and run down a steep hill a tenth of a mile, then do another turn and run for two miles up this steady grade, which even minor, is uphill. I round the town center come back down and then meet the steep hill just before turning back into my street. Most people think its easy running down hill and it is easier, but it also requires holding yourself back from going to fast and crashing into a tree or car or just the ground.

I just finished reading "Uncommon Carriers" by John McPhee and he notes how hitting a 1-2% grade can cause a long coal train to grind to a hault and that subsequently many of the rail line grades are purposely kept very low. I thought of my long gradual uphill runs when I sometimes loose steam 3/4 of the way up.



The same can be said about biking. The up hills are brutal and the downhills can either be a rush or downright treacherous.

There are very few ways for me to avoid hills unless I drive somewhere first and then there is only limited flat grade before its uphill. Last weekend I picked this 6 mile route that is scenically beautiful and the road rolls up and down, at least in the car it rolls. At street level its a freak'n lot of up hills with not enough flat in between and I didn't seem to notice the downhill. But I consider this training and I feel relatively goood when I am done.

I do find this deceptive as I never really know how well I am doing as I still occasionally stop on some of those hills. At least when you are biking there is the satisfaction of the downhills and coasting in-between. With running you get none of that.

I have a new respect for people who run in the Berkshires, having become one. We are definitely not whimps and not scared off by a simple hill and then another and then another. Its still a fine time to be out in nature and just taking it all in.

I have several times of day that I consider my favorite. They aren't what I expect is common but they are special in the qualities and moments they bring.

I have come to love waking up at 3:00AM. Not to get up but just to wake up. I can remember days when it might be anxiety and worry that would have me awake at 4 staring at the ceiling but I seem to have been able to tame that beast, at least for now.

Waking up at 3, it is peaceful and quiet and very dark. It is these times when I can sometimes hear the bells of the church in town or hear owls or coyote in the back woods or when there is a full moon the beams streak though the side window. The house is peaceful and I just barely wake up. This time feels like the joining of two worlds, the threshold leaving one day and approaching the next, a very thin space as I like to call them.



I've taken to using this brief time to send positive thoughts to a list of people who can use them. As I think the name I feel that I am handing it off for safe keeping. I think requests for assistance or for guidance. I send messages of peace.

Very peacefully and methodically I go through this and drift off to sleep again.



Then there is 5AM when I usually love waking up. Again it is dark, darker this time of year than even this photo and I get up quickly when I wake and make my way to the coffee pot and bathroom, all in the dark. Then for a half hour or so I just sit near the window and sip my coffee or walk out to the porch to feel the morning breezes.

Then on really good days, at 5:30 I get on my shorts and sneakers and mp3 player and head outside to run into town and back. The sky is dark and street lights are dim, there is rarely a car and only occasionally are there lights on in the houses I pass. Running through town it is quiet and peaceful and I head back home to get ready for the day and start waking up the family.

On an average day the daytime is fairly routine with an occasional special moment, but nothing I can count on. But then at 6:30 I am home and usually everyone else is too and that is my next favorite time. Eating dinner with my wife and kids, hearing of their day, hearing them laugh, enjoying their presence and then doing nothing special or like tonight leading a congo line of teens around the house in goofy laughter.

Of course there are are other special times on many days but these are my special times that make things feel right and if missed I feel off kilter.

Do you have special times? Think about it, I'm sure you do.

Good Morning America comes to the Berkshires

As part of their Whistle Stop Campaign ABC Good Morning America has been crossing Massachusetts and was in the Berkshires. But the lead up was much more and there have been train cars running through the rehearsals on the tracks, helicopters dashing around the sky all weekend testing satellite hookups and getting aerial views. A big stop was Stockbridge this morning with a visit to the Red Lion Inn. Since we have to go through Stockbridge each morning to get the kids to school this became a logistical questions of what did it mean when traffic is being rerouted around a downtown that consists of 2-3 streets and includes a main state highway.

So Sunday while I'm cooking dinner for friends who have a family member in the ICU and our own dinner my wife ventures down to Stockbridge to see what she can find out. Their she finds enough police to get the information we need then finds Yo Yo Ma and James Taylor sitting on the porch of the Red Lion doing rehearsals and sound checks. Probably 2 hours worth of playing and replaying songs for what eventually will be a few minutes of air time.


My daughter is also playing in the school band that will greet the train at the station so we have to be through Stockbridge and at the school at 6AM for them to suit up and get back to Stockbridge. It was a bit of a nuisance with traffic being rerouted and schedules being messed up a bit but there was some excitement in the air of being profiled on national TV if only for a few minutes.


and here is the link to the James Taylor spot.
http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=1797097629

So what do these photos say?

The light is changing, more shadows are cast late in the day on the hills.
They were taken completely on the run, arriving late for a cross-country meet, as everyone was leaving or left, walking back down the hill to the car. Alot of things are seeming rushed even of there is time. I feel like there is much that is on the run, I am having to defend my time more than I like to have to.



Then there are the shadows. I am feeling blue. Unapologetically an absolute total liberal who finds it continually difficult to feel at odds with so many that I just do not understand how they think. I also want some things to be easy for a change. I want Caleb to wake up in the morning and find that his accident was a bad dream, I want the same for a friend who has cancer and one who has Krohn's. I want work to be uncomplicated for a change. I want someone to make the ant damage in my house go away without costing the same as a used car.

So for now I hunker down a bit, feeling like I can't be too down beat because I really don't want a pep talk or drag down everyone else, but not wanting to be upbeat. So I am quiet. I want something different. On Saturday I'll quietly help out on a Habitat project with my son and others and try to feed good karma to the world, I'll go for a longer run and try to feel good about the progress I've made, even though my times are quite lousy for the race I am hoping to do next month.

The glass is half full but it feels like it has a leak in it a small crack that lets energy drain. I need some glue.

Stuff in the road

The rain is heavy, the clouds are low, the wipers are working furiously to keep the vision clear, motion everywhere, claps of loud noise, people trying to pass you and people holding you up.



Oh, you think I am talking about being in the car and these pictures? I guess I can see why but I am not.

A friend posted on her blog that she felt like a squirrel in the road, dashing back and forth, not sure which direction safety lies.



While she has big time issues going on with the well-being and future of a child I think this feeling is all to common.

I am feeling at times like that squirrel and the deer in the headlights. Not sure what direction to go, questioning myself when I make a decision on direction and like both freeze in indecision and sometimes letting time make the decision for me.

At work lately I am neither of these, which is good, but in a way I am both of these. I don't freeze from total indecision, I freeze because another issue has come up that is more immediate and seems to keep pushing everything off to the side. Then when the items that were pushed aside become crucial I lecture myself about having gotten into the situation to begin with.

And then there are the home issues that can only be dealt with during the day but get trampled in the stampede, the carpenters, winter approaching that all compete for space in an already crowded mind.

Its a no win and not a good place to be at.

But I am tenacious and resilient, so I turn up the speed on the wiper and take some more deep breaths, chip away and dream of my run tomorrow morning, when I just accomplish something for me.

Random thoughts and pictures

At 5:00 AM it is dark again. As the calendar hits September there is always a dramatic shift. By 8:30 pm its the same. The challenge is how to go running when it is dark and to also be motivated to get out.



The tourists have pretty much left town, though they'll be back for the long weekends. Tanglewood has wrapped up its season as have some of the theater companies, Jefferson Starship, a name from the past, was at Eastover down the street this weekend. I heard them through the trees. The new second home owner neighbors, whom we haven't yet bothered to meet, have gone back to the city. The new full time neighbors, whom we have partially met, seem totally moved in. The neighborhood is quiet although it always is.

The pellets are on order, all 4 tons, and should be arriving any day now for me to start moving them in the garage. That's alot of pellets to be hauling at least twice during the season.



Coming back from kayaking on the river this weekend I parked at the public ramp which is a short dirt road going down to the river off the main road with parking for a few cars. Some city folks had pulled in and were in their lawn chairs eating lunch and they asked me if I knew the name of this nature preserve. It doesn't have a name, I shared, its state and local land and just a boat ramp. It just happens to be along the beautiful river, be surrounded by wetlands and flowers and farm land on the other side of the river running up to the mountains. Actually pretty average, but isn't that wonderful that they are awed by our average. I am too.




The light and clouds are unusual tonight, possible rain, possible storm. I just hope its not too intense and doesn't drive itself in through the outside wall covering where the ants have done their damage.



Back to work from "vacation" and already behind and not happy about it. Vacation should be rest and that one was not.



The Google ads are gone. They say there have been "invalid clicks" and shut me down. I have read its not uncommon and happens to large companies as well little bloggers and the unfortunate thing is that they inform you in a way that implies dishonesty and take back anything that has been earned. While I like Google and am even a small shareholder they are impersonal and big and come across heavy.

My blog got rated by a critic and got an 8 out of 10. Cool, I guess and I get to add their rating button. Perhaps Zagats is next.

So that is the randomness of the day. Measuring out new off season running routes trying to imagine if I'll be able to do a 10 k next month in under an hour, avoiding convention coverage- the red gives me a headache.

The week is almost over- hurray!