Random thoughts and pictures

At 5:00 AM it is dark again. As the calendar hits September there is always a dramatic shift. By 8:30 pm its the same. The challenge is how to go running when it is dark and to also be motivated to get out.



The tourists have pretty much left town, though they'll be back for the long weekends. Tanglewood has wrapped up its season as have some of the theater companies, Jefferson Starship, a name from the past, was at Eastover down the street this weekend. I heard them through the trees. The new second home owner neighbors, whom we haven't yet bothered to meet, have gone back to the city. The new full time neighbors, whom we have partially met, seem totally moved in. The neighborhood is quiet although it always is.

The pellets are on order, all 4 tons, and should be arriving any day now for me to start moving them in the garage. That's alot of pellets to be hauling at least twice during the season.



Coming back from kayaking on the river this weekend I parked at the public ramp which is a short dirt road going down to the river off the main road with parking for a few cars. Some city folks had pulled in and were in their lawn chairs eating lunch and they asked me if I knew the name of this nature preserve. It doesn't have a name, I shared, its state and local land and just a boat ramp. It just happens to be along the beautiful river, be surrounded by wetlands and flowers and farm land on the other side of the river running up to the mountains. Actually pretty average, but isn't that wonderful that they are awed by our average. I am too.




The light and clouds are unusual tonight, possible rain, possible storm. I just hope its not too intense and doesn't drive itself in through the outside wall covering where the ants have done their damage.



Back to work from "vacation" and already behind and not happy about it. Vacation should be rest and that one was not.



The Google ads are gone. They say there have been "invalid clicks" and shut me down. I have read its not uncommon and happens to large companies as well little bloggers and the unfortunate thing is that they inform you in a way that implies dishonesty and take back anything that has been earned. While I like Google and am even a small shareholder they are impersonal and big and come across heavy.

My blog got rated by a critic and got an 8 out of 10. Cool, I guess and I get to add their rating button. Perhaps Zagats is next.

So that is the randomness of the day. Measuring out new off season running routes trying to imagine if I'll be able to do a 10 k next month in under an hour, avoiding convention coverage- the red gives me a headache.

The week is almost over- hurray!

Reflections

In the past year it seems that I have come in contact with a lot more people in some sort of negative physical condition. I wanted to first say illness but that word didn’t seem to cover it. People with cancer of all types- lung, brain, prostate, ovarian, skin, pancreatic; folks managing serious vision issues, a child with Crohn’s, with brain injuries, with autism; someone with shingles, people with depression. Whew………………….

To initially meet these people you would never have a clue what is really going on…..what happens in those private moments or what is going through their minds and the minds of the parents of those kids. They carry themselves with immense grace and life.

By no means do I criticize those in similar situations who openly express their distress – we are all different and cope differently. But I am amazed and then again not amazed by the many people who have serious issues going on in their lives and by the way they carry themselves, you would never know it. It is not that they have become resigned to their fate. To the contrary those who I know are very much determined to prevail and are on various levels frightened, get discouraged and experience “why me”. But they have not stopped embracing life, not pushing ahead each day, pushing aside the physical and emotional pain enough so that it does not define them. I knew someone who had been though a few sudden job losses and had also gone through some serious medical issues and he shared that you just put your head down and move forward, little by little, and sometime day by day hour by hour. You pick yourself up when you stumble but you don’t let the stumbles define who you are. You continue to admire the sunrises, be at awe with a sunset or the night blaze of the Milky Way. You pray, you laugh, you cry and you embrace the life that you have as imperfect as it is, give thanks for all that is good and seek guidance and support through the rough spots.

I take lessons from these experiences and from these people. You sometimes haven’t a clue what is really going on with someone when you see them. Appearance are very deceptive and sometimes the people who are the calmest and nicest and most genuine are the people with the most number of issues going on with themselves or those they love. Be grateful for all that is good in your life. If you are healthy or your loved ones are healthy don't take that for granted. Be kind and embrace life even when it is scary to do so.

Does it matter?

For the past week or so I have been experiencing more doubt than I have felt in quite a while. I am testy, unmotivated, not able to focus and not at all upbeat and having a tough time making it through each day at work. I even find I don't want to run in the morning, something that for months I had come to look forward too. Even getting this post out is a challenge.

I have been thinking out the theme to a post on the impact that small and large things we do have on others and how they then effect how they relate to others. I have lots of ideas, but they won’t come out on the keyboard.

While I have frequently thought that we all can have an impact on others and therefore can effect how they treat others, now I don't know. There are those dynamic people that seem to draw people to them and seem to always have an impact on others even if all they are doing is going about their every day life. I am for the most past on the quieter side, except for a limited few who would absolutely laugh at the "quiet" comment. I know that the quiet is perceived by some as disinterested, when it is not. The things I do are lower key and often I keep them to myself with the believe that karma is fed more fully when the source of the deed is not known. Is this foolish? I don't know.

I am sure that you can list people who have a dramatic effect on people and their community around them (large and small). I am thinking I am just not one of those people. This isn’t necessarily a feeling of depression it is more of sadness, regret, resignation of "does it matter". More the George Baily feeling.

Does it matter that I smile a lot throughout the day and laugh pretty easily and say hi to most everyone I interact with? Does it matter that I give out anonymous birthday cards throughout the year to all 50 people in my office or do other similar things when no one really knows it is me? [ no one at work knows about this blog, so that secret is safe] Does it matter that I leave comments on other people’s blogs so that they know I was there and that their thoughts mean something? Does it matter that I am always volunteering to help with this or that project? Does it matter that I send positive thoughts to a list of people each day who do not know it? Do the prayers of healing really do anything for others except make me think they do? Does it matter that I write this blog? Does anyone really know it is here?

Intellectually I know the answer to most of these is yes, (except for the last few) but in a more solitary way I really don’t know and even more profound, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that I feel this way.



So, today there is a picture of reflection because that is where I am at. Not necessarily liking the view but knowing that life changes on a dime and hopefully that view will become more clear.

Coming home..................

At the end of the day traveling home....welcome to the Berkshires. 50 degrees in January