I used to have a boss who would use the line "what will it matter in a million years". This use to drive me crazy as it usually was when I was working on a problem or issue than involved real people and real time and it seemed to mock that importance.
What I continue to learn, though much slower than I should be, much later than I wish is to let somethings go. As someone who's mind works in a way that thousands of variables and solutions and possibilities can be generated to address a problem, I am one of those people you want to have around to figure out how that square peg can be made to work with that round hole.
This same talent can be an albatross when it comes to the possibilities of what can go wrong personally and when many things come at once me and when I am tired. That triple combination is not good. While I am what most folks would consider a true optimist, when I am in this state, in very short order I can give a list of all the things I should have done differently to achieve a different outcome [even if I hadn't a clue of that option before] or a list of the negative possibilities and how they could play out. This then comes with a flurry and state of worry. I once saw a cartoon with a character donning his worry blanket and sitting in the corner. I can often visualize that blanket.
Sounds strangely contradictory of an optimist? Not really because I usually work it through and if I can separate enough I often will come up with very creative options. But to do this I need to get to a point of letting some things go. To put them down, let them rest, let me rest and get a different and better perspective. I am getting better at letting things go sooner than I use to but still have some work to do with shedding the "worry blanket". Not to the point of the quote I started out with but to be better at putting some issues aside and let actual time and occurances catch up with my imaginagtion.
I am wearing my worry blanket partially these days. Like many folks the background noise of the economy and the constant strains of "be happy you have a job", I can easily get caught up in other people's angst. Then then there is the college story with my oldest. The acceptances are coming in [a remarkable achievement given that these are very tough schools with highly competitive programs] but then there is how to pay for it. The waiting for the aid packages, the figuring out if there is more help out there and how to access it and the scholarship applications that want serious and invasive information from parents and all want it the same time. My analytical mind with the worry blanket say, if you hadn't done xyz 20 years ago, you would be in a different position now. Perhaps yes and then perhaps something else would have happened in between. But does it really matter. Life is, life happens. If we all had a vision of even a year I would have totally sold out of the stock market at its top and at each top. Then I could be giving out scholarships.
My objective is to shed the worry blanket. As the weather warms I should be able to ease back into running, which will be good and healthy. But that aside, I pledge to myself to try to restrict my creativity to the positive and not turn the canons inward. I am also trying to let go what I can and let the rest be for a while. A week from now things may be very different. My goal is to get a little better at letting time solve some of the worries that my processing over and over can't and doesn't help.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
It is in love that we hold truths
“It is in love that we embrace and hold the truth of disclosure, and it is there that true connection can be made”.
I wish this was something original to me but I am paraphrasing comments by a friend, Jill.
The general idea of “acknowledging and speaking of the truth” is not unique and I think have written about before, but the way she said this was a bit different. When someone discloses a fear such as the potential of loosing a job, or the breakup of a relationship or they speak if their pain from a loss of some type whether it be the loss of a loved one or of a job or expressing fear over a diagnosis or condition, it is often more comfortable for us to try to comfort and rationalize rather than acknowledge the truth that is being spoken. To say that it won’t be as bad as they are worried about or it won’t happen to them or saying that it could be worse or completely denying that it is true may make us think we are comforting but it isn't acknowledging and accepting the truth that is being disclosed. Jill spoke about an alcoholic finally disclosing his condition only you hear, oh you don’t drink that much or the person afraid of loosing a job, your to good of a worker for that to happen to you.
Sometimes the best response is to say “yes I hear you”, "that must be scary", "yes the way you are feeling is right" and acknowledging sometimes that life and life situations suck and life can be frightening.
I am getting much much better at this. While I try to be supportive and comforting to people I have learned to recognize a line that has been crossed and then will often speak from the perspective of acknowledgment of embracing and agreeing to hold what has been disclosed to me as truth. Not necessarily my truth but the person sharing.
When I do this the response is interesting. To the person disclosing, there is now a different connection. They can see that I acknowledge and validate their truth and we can move forward on a different level. From an observer, the response can be, “I was thinking the same thing but afraid to say it”. Some times you just say what is obvious and trust.
At work when I am working with a staff person on a problem this often entails listening closely and inquiring about body language that doesn't fit the words or lack of words and repeating what I am hearing the other person say. It is amazing what comes out and most of the time this accomplishes what is necessary.
So my blog challenge for me and for all is to be tuned in enough to recognize when someone has truly made a disclosure that is important to them and is significant to them and to make a point of acknowledging and embracing it and if appropriate, give them a hug.
I wish this was something original to me but I am paraphrasing comments by a friend, Jill.
The general idea of “acknowledging and speaking of the truth” is not unique and I think have written about before, but the way she said this was a bit different. When someone discloses a fear such as the potential of loosing a job, or the breakup of a relationship or they speak if their pain from a loss of some type whether it be the loss of a loved one or of a job or expressing fear over a diagnosis or condition, it is often more comfortable for us to try to comfort and rationalize rather than acknowledge the truth that is being spoken. To say that it won’t be as bad as they are worried about or it won’t happen to them or saying that it could be worse or completely denying that it is true may make us think we are comforting but it isn't acknowledging and accepting the truth that is being disclosed. Jill spoke about an alcoholic finally disclosing his condition only you hear, oh you don’t drink that much or the person afraid of loosing a job, your to good of a worker for that to happen to you.
Sometimes the best response is to say “yes I hear you”, "that must be scary", "yes the way you are feeling is right" and acknowledging sometimes that life and life situations suck and life can be frightening.
I am getting much much better at this. While I try to be supportive and comforting to people I have learned to recognize a line that has been crossed and then will often speak from the perspective of acknowledgment of embracing and agreeing to hold what has been disclosed to me as truth. Not necessarily my truth but the person sharing.
When I do this the response is interesting. To the person disclosing, there is now a different connection. They can see that I acknowledge and validate their truth and we can move forward on a different level. From an observer, the response can be, “I was thinking the same thing but afraid to say it”. Some times you just say what is obvious and trust.
At work when I am working with a staff person on a problem this often entails listening closely and inquiring about body language that doesn't fit the words or lack of words and repeating what I am hearing the other person say. It is amazing what comes out and most of the time this accomplishes what is necessary.
So my blog challenge for me and for all is to be tuned in enough to recognize when someone has truly made a disclosure that is important to them and is significant to them and to make a point of acknowledging and embracing it and if appropriate, give them a hug.
Friday, February 27, 2009
The new “Ahh” / Umm
Several years ago I belonged to a Toastmasters group, which for those who don’t know is a group of people coming together every few weeks to assist and support each other in the craft of public speaking. It also served to help desensitize being in uncomfortable settings. I was in a job search to become an executive director of a non-profit organization and while I had done some speaking and presentations, I was on the shy side and needed a boost in that area.
I belonged for about a year and had to drop out when the demands of my new job (as executive director and CEO of a good sized non profit), and the commute and new kids left little time.
At each meeting people delivered speeches or presentations that they had prepared and the group critiqued and gave suggestions feedback about what went very well and on how the speech or delivery could be improved. While I am still very much on the shy side (to the surprise of some people who have heard me speak publicly or work with me professionally), belonging to this group was a great experience that has paid off significantly over the years.
A position designated for each meeting was the “ah counter”. Someone designated to listen carefully with pen in hand and track the number of times “Ah” or “Um” were used during the speech. The objective was to train you to either take a legitimate pause or work on transitions in the speech so that you weren’t relying on these common devices, as they take away from the message you are delivering.
Though years have gone by this exercise of having someone count my “ah”s and “um”s and me bring the counter a few times, this lesson has stayed with me and I am very conscious of using these transition crutches and also notice it when others speak. I am sure I still use them occasionally but significantly less than if I wasn’t attuned.
You now are perhaps asking, what is the new “ahh” that I have titled this? It is the word “so”.
Now that I have pointed it out pay attention to the number of times that people will use this word as sort of a hanger at the end of the sentence until they think of what else they want to say. Sometimes the word is appropriate but sometimes it just verbally hangs there in space at the end of a sentence or becomes the lead off of the sentence when it doesn’t need to be or the sentence is solid enough to stand by itself.
So……….[gotcha] a personal goal of mine is to reduce my own use of this word as a transition or hanger and intro and to let what I have to say either stand on its own or end on its own. Before editing this I found that I used this a couple more times, not counting the one in this paragraph, and either deleted them or rephrased until it sounded better to me. Want to join my cause? We can be known as “so" counters.
I belonged for about a year and had to drop out when the demands of my new job (as executive director and CEO of a good sized non profit), and the commute and new kids left little time.
At each meeting people delivered speeches or presentations that they had prepared and the group critiqued and gave suggestions feedback about what went very well and on how the speech or delivery could be improved. While I am still very much on the shy side (to the surprise of some people who have heard me speak publicly or work with me professionally), belonging to this group was a great experience that has paid off significantly over the years.
A position designated for each meeting was the “ah counter”. Someone designated to listen carefully with pen in hand and track the number of times “Ah” or “Um” were used during the speech. The objective was to train you to either take a legitimate pause or work on transitions in the speech so that you weren’t relying on these common devices, as they take away from the message you are delivering.
Though years have gone by this exercise of having someone count my “ah”s and “um”s and me bring the counter a few times, this lesson has stayed with me and I am very conscious of using these transition crutches and also notice it when others speak. I am sure I still use them occasionally but significantly less than if I wasn’t attuned.
You now are perhaps asking, what is the new “ahh” that I have titled this? It is the word “so”.
Now that I have pointed it out pay attention to the number of times that people will use this word as sort of a hanger at the end of the sentence until they think of what else they want to say. Sometimes the word is appropriate but sometimes it just verbally hangs there in space at the end of a sentence or becomes the lead off of the sentence when it doesn’t need to be or the sentence is solid enough to stand by itself.
So……….[gotcha] a personal goal of mine is to reduce my own use of this word as a transition or hanger and intro and to let what I have to say either stand on its own or end on its own. Before editing this I found that I used this a couple more times, not counting the one in this paragraph, and either deleted them or rephrased until it sounded better to me. Want to join my cause? We can be known as “so" counters.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
As I sit here the wind howls; the clouds race across the sky like skaters on a pond; the big pine trees make a rushing noise. The moon has been bright in the sky but tonight it competes with the clouds being pushed around by the winds.
The position of our house is at the edge of valley, the ridge line I often write about. The wind travels up and down this valley as it is a natural trough to follow. The edge is mostly flat and sloping gradually down towards the river valley below, miles and miles of open pasture land the the flat terrain of the river for miles more. On the other side of the valley the ridge line is mostly bare of leaves giving little resistance to the wind. Tonight it has also brought squalls of snow moving almost side to side and swirling around the trees and lamp post and rocks and polishing the icy coating that is left on the yard from the melt of the day.
I have come to love the sound of the wind in the night as they travel past. Sounding slightly hollow as it loops around the house. I can tell what windows aren't fully latched by the sound of the wind as it whistle a special pitch. The back yard is lined with thick pines so while it rushes in, it has to find another way out, usually up and over the tops of the trees
In the summer the soothing constant breeze. In the winter it has a bite but year round it seems to have personality. In my minds eye it is much like a mammoth ghost. Dashing to and fro, swirling around houses and getting lost in the thick pine trees but them popping out again further down. Flying above the valley up along the river to Mount Greylock in the far north, joining its fellow winds and the racing back down to the south. In the morning it is all clear. The leftovers of falling branches and twigs mark that it was here but the wind is usually long gone to other parts.
The position of our house is at the edge of valley, the ridge line I often write about. The wind travels up and down this valley as it is a natural trough to follow. The edge is mostly flat and sloping gradually down towards the river valley below, miles and miles of open pasture land the the flat terrain of the river for miles more. On the other side of the valley the ridge line is mostly bare of leaves giving little resistance to the wind. Tonight it has also brought squalls of snow moving almost side to side and swirling around the trees and lamp post and rocks and polishing the icy coating that is left on the yard from the melt of the day.
I have come to love the sound of the wind in the night as they travel past. Sounding slightly hollow as it loops around the house. I can tell what windows aren't fully latched by the sound of the wind as it whistle a special pitch. The back yard is lined with thick pines so while it rushes in, it has to find another way out, usually up and over the tops of the trees
In the summer the soothing constant breeze. In the winter it has a bite but year round it seems to have personality. In my minds eye it is much like a mammoth ghost. Dashing to and fro, swirling around houses and getting lost in the thick pine trees but them popping out again further down. Flying above the valley up along the river to Mount Greylock in the far north, joining its fellow winds and the racing back down to the south. In the morning it is all clear. The leftovers of falling branches and twigs mark that it was here but the wind is usually long gone to other parts.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Beneath my occasional cynicism and getting trapped in the past, I am a relatively optimistic person. While it may sometimes me a while, I usually try to find the good in most experiences or look for the "lesson" when thing go wrong or are unpleasant. Naive? Perhaps a little sometimes, but is being hopeful always naive?
I am a realist that still thinks of possibilities. There may be only one winner of a lottery ticket, why couldn't it be me as well as someone else. Tenacity has always been a strength and there are always multiple ways to an end.
I find people wearing who are constantly negative,who always find the tear in the silver lining or see that one cloud in the sky as the rain shower headed directly for them. While I will try to turn them around to see the brighter more positive side of things, I have to admit that there are times that I just tune them out.
I find kids by nature to be a pretty hopeful and optimistic crowd. I get concerned when I have heard my own kids express dismay about how missed up things are and about their unspoken concerns about their futures and the life and world they will face as adult. As parents we try to keep our kids looking at the possibilities of life and not get stuck behind the idea of limitations as insurmountable, for obstacles will present themselves soon enough.
A couple of weeks ago during the inauguration my seventeen year old reminded me that for almost half his life George W. Bush has been president and the political environment that surrounded Bush has been just about all that he remembers from his adolescent years. Hearing this and yes appreciating how enormously significant eight years is in the life of someone young, I had a totally new appreciation for the excitement and hope that had sprung alive with our new president. No wonder there is more cynicism when that is what you hear day in and day out from your leaders.
I remember talking with my youngest (15) during the primaries and asking her opinion of whether it would be more significant to have a first woman president or a first African-American president. She said that she had though about that for a while and she thought that while both were very significant, it would be a much greater stretch for this country to accept an African-American than a woman as president. Interesting I thought, and true in many ways and how wonderfully interesting and so significant it was that we were even having this discussion.
Even during dark times the flame of hope if still there, waiting for the fuel and gentle breeze to rekindle its flame until it burns brightly again.
I am a realist that still thinks of possibilities. There may be only one winner of a lottery ticket, why couldn't it be me as well as someone else. Tenacity has always been a strength and there are always multiple ways to an end.
I find people wearing who are constantly negative,who always find the tear in the silver lining or see that one cloud in the sky as the rain shower headed directly for them. While I will try to turn them around to see the brighter more positive side of things, I have to admit that there are times that I just tune them out.
I find kids by nature to be a pretty hopeful and optimistic crowd. I get concerned when I have heard my own kids express dismay about how missed up things are and about their unspoken concerns about their futures and the life and world they will face as adult. As parents we try to keep our kids looking at the possibilities of life and not get stuck behind the idea of limitations as insurmountable, for obstacles will present themselves soon enough.
A couple of weeks ago during the inauguration my seventeen year old reminded me that for almost half his life George W. Bush has been president and the political environment that surrounded Bush has been just about all that he remembers from his adolescent years. Hearing this and yes appreciating how enormously significant eight years is in the life of someone young, I had a totally new appreciation for the excitement and hope that had sprung alive with our new president. No wonder there is more cynicism when that is what you hear day in and day out from your leaders.
I remember talking with my youngest (15) during the primaries and asking her opinion of whether it would be more significant to have a first woman president or a first African-American president. She said that she had though about that for a while and she thought that while both were very significant, it would be a much greater stretch for this country to accept an African-American than a woman as president. Interesting I thought, and true in many ways and how wonderfully interesting and so significant it was that we were even having this discussion.
Even during dark times the flame of hope if still there, waiting for the fuel and gentle breeze to rekindle its flame until it burns brightly again.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Adjustng
So where have I been? The blog sits waiting for attention. Waiting for a picture or two. Life has kind of just taken on a running of day into day.
I am adjusting. Adjusting to not being able to get Internet access accept when everyone is asleep and then feeling tired and unmotivated.
Adjusting to switching from my neat little car with cruise control, sunroof and great sound to the 10 year old "other car" in an attempt to not kill the good car with my 500 mile a week commute. The silver car, as we call it, is basic transportation. The radio and CD no longer work so sound comes from hooking the mp3 player through a little device in the cassette player for radio and tunes and hooking up a portable CD player to listen to books. With each bump of the road (10 year old shocks) the CD skips and pauses and I juggle the thing to find a place where it won't bounce. Wires coming from the cassette and charger, needing to remember to turn off the mp3 and charge it. It is so much more complicated and complex. But I will adjust.
Adjusting to having 5 new staff people just outside my office (having just relocated them from another office). Learning the dynamics of this group, helping them fit in with the larger group, trying to find the balance between them being very rigid and linear, me being not linear at all and very flexible but not wanting to be vulnerable of being taken advantage of or set up. I supervise the manager of this group but what I am finding and had heard is that when the staff don't like what their manager has told them or want to bend the rules a bit more than appropriate, they go over the manager's head and have in the past sometimes gotten their way. So I am having to be much more in coaching mode with the supervisor and in boss mode with this group as I don't look favorably on people who shop around to get what they want. We are all adjusting.
Adjusting to doing more volunteer work that is so much like "work" and doing it only because the program gives my kids and kids like them something they love doing but it requires parent leaders behind the scenes. Don't we all do that?
Adjusting to giving up some other volunteer work that I really like (most of the time) because it takes up more time and I am starting to feel fried.
Adjusting to not being able to run, now because of all the snow in the road and on sidewalks. Adjusting to the need to really find what is missing.
Adjusting to wanting to change or undo some things that it is just too late to do.
So I feel like I am adjusting a lot. I am by no means rare. I just happen to have a blog to write about it.
I am adjusting. Adjusting to not being able to get Internet access accept when everyone is asleep and then feeling tired and unmotivated.
Adjusting to switching from my neat little car with cruise control, sunroof and great sound to the 10 year old "other car" in an attempt to not kill the good car with my 500 mile a week commute. The silver car, as we call it, is basic transportation. The radio and CD no longer work so sound comes from hooking the mp3 player through a little device in the cassette player for radio and tunes and hooking up a portable CD player to listen to books. With each bump of the road (10 year old shocks) the CD skips and pauses and I juggle the thing to find a place where it won't bounce. Wires coming from the cassette and charger, needing to remember to turn off the mp3 and charge it. It is so much more complicated and complex. But I will adjust.
Adjusting to having 5 new staff people just outside my office (having just relocated them from another office). Learning the dynamics of this group, helping them fit in with the larger group, trying to find the balance between them being very rigid and linear, me being not linear at all and very flexible but not wanting to be vulnerable of being taken advantage of or set up. I supervise the manager of this group but what I am finding and had heard is that when the staff don't like what their manager has told them or want to bend the rules a bit more than appropriate, they go over the manager's head and have in the past sometimes gotten their way. So I am having to be much more in coaching mode with the supervisor and in boss mode with this group as I don't look favorably on people who shop around to get what they want. We are all adjusting.
Adjusting to doing more volunteer work that is so much like "work" and doing it only because the program gives my kids and kids like them something they love doing but it requires parent leaders behind the scenes. Don't we all do that?
Adjusting to giving up some other volunteer work that I really like (most of the time) because it takes up more time and I am starting to feel fried.
Adjusting to not being able to run, now because of all the snow in the road and on sidewalks. Adjusting to the need to really find what is missing.
Adjusting to wanting to change or undo some things that it is just too late to do.
So I feel like I am adjusting a lot. I am by no means rare. I just happen to have a blog to write about it.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Rationalizing loss
The are so many ways that we try to make sense of loss, try to rationalize it, try to minimize it in ways that can become so very logical as to become cold and void of sensitivity and of the magnitude of legitimate feeling.
These are a few comments that I have heard from well meaning people trying to help:
To someone who has just lost a job…….well at least you are young and have your health or its probably the best and something will come along.
To someone who has suffered an injury……well it could be worse.
To an aging person who is suffering physical aliments…..well at least your mind is well and it could be worse or like ".....".
To the parent who has lost a child….well at least you have the two others. (yes I actually heard someone tell my parents this one)
To a family who has lost everything in a natural disaster……at least no one was killed.
To the child or spouse of a deceased person…..well now they are at peace or to a child who has lost their last parent……well at least now you don’t have to worry about them anymore.
In response to someone suffering a permanent injury following an accident….at least you are alive.
To someone who has broken up a relationship…..well it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
All of these comments and responses to someone’s loss are very accurate even if some are totally crass and insensitive and believe me I have heard them all and not made any of these up.
In trying to make people feel better about their loss we sometimes don’t allow them to grieve what they have really lost; to allow them to go for a time to that painful and uncomfortable place to feel bad without restraint and process what has occurred.
In my way of thinking it is completely ok to be grateful that something is not worse or could have been worse while at the very same time truly and deeply mourn the loss that has occurred and of something that will never return.
Yes of course it could always be worse and on some totally rational level we know that and though that clarity of perspective is not easy and can take quite a while to get to. Though in the same way it could have also been better not to have happened at all. It is ok to grieve that loss for what it is independently of any qualifications.
The loss is bad enough without needing to feel guilty for the pain we feel and express. In our discomfort with the uncomfortable we sometimes want to lessen it when sometimes the best thing to do is to just let it be and let it work itself through.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"It seems to be snowing a lot". I made that comment to my wife this morning to which she responded, "it really hasn't, its just seems to be bothering you more this year."
So I went back a year ago on this blog and sure enough there was lots of snow and it had been colder but there was also a January thaw about this time. I guess it is bothering me because as it seems to be snowing each weekend or a couple times a week I inevitably have to go somewhere, whether it be to drop off or pick up a kid or just to go to work.
Last weekend I got stuck trying to go up over the mountain to West Stockbidge, a two lane winding road going for about 3.5 miles then down the ridge along the other side, with a ravine on one side and ditch on the other, and 3/4 of the way up to the top, the tires just start to spin and slide. All the coaxing and rocking is getting me is sliding closer and closer to either the ditch or the ravine, neither of which is a good option. So as the snow continues to fall steadily I back down almost 3 miles of road trying not to skid, having to move out of the way as the trucks and heavier vehicles want to pass me to get on their way. May of them nicely stopping to ask if I am ok. Turning around is not an option as the only driveways are those going down the ravine to summer homes.
I've been stuck on this road before, years back coming home from Albany in another blizzard and I slid off the road and passers by pushed me back on. Its the easiest and quickest way to the other side but totally unpredictable in the winter.
So an hour later and with a very sore and stiff neck from turning it to see, I make it down to the bottom where I can finally turn around nerves somewhat shot. And then I head down a different way to a drive around this mountain to get to the town.
Then this weekend, and of course it snows and of course there is a required kid drop off for a school project, and this time I get stuck again and have to back down a very long driveway. And there was another snow storm on the way. So the nighttime pick up is tried with another car and its not so bad, though totally dark snow covered roads still is not fun when you've been stuck already that day and there is no cell service between the hills.
So what is the difference? My new tires that I have at least always thought of as new, well as I check the receipt they are actually 2 years old with 60,000 miles on them a 60,000 mile warranty. So that is why they worked last winter and the winter before and why with 30,000 more miles on them I am slipping around.
So I guess I have another project to put on the list, new tire. It seems a shame because there still is good tread just not enough for winter driving around here.
Such is life in the Berkshires.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A New Year
A wish for a happy, healthy, prosperous, and peaceful …..2009 for all who venture here.
For the past week or so I have been on slow speed. Rushing from an intense time at work into the relatively unstructured time off that I take between Christmas and New Years. This sends me slightly into not necessarily a free-fall but like a kite without a tail: wobbling around in the wind currents trying to find bearings and doing enough to stay up in the air. Isn’t that what vacations are about, regaining one’s bearings, trying to recharge? When thrown in with end of the year holidays that wobble can get a little too wobbly and I a little too introspective.
Traditionally as the calendar flips we tend to look back and to assess the year that has past. Was it good, was it bad, and are we glad it is over?
There was a lot of negative going on this year that seemed to weigh heavy. I’ve attended more funerals last year than I can remember in a single year, and I am not at an age where my peers are naturally dying off. The economy and the uncertainty that it has brought and the continuing conflicts around the world cast a heavy shadow far across the landscape, at least in my mind and world.
But even with these I would not necessarily call this a bad year for there have also been many good things that have gone on this year. My family is well and have been all year and we treasure the time that we spend with each other; the kids are both having a great year at school and having new experiences that I wouldn’t have dreamed of experiencing at their age; the excitement (and parent apprehension) of college shopping for my oldest (wow have things changed); meeting new people and having new experiences; while my work is stressful it is ever expanding and I have to keep reminding myself that this is good.
We have a tradition in our family, started several years ago when my wife read about it somewhere. Throughout the year we record on small pieces of paper good things that happen to one of us. Anyone can put one in and it can be something significant or as simple as a sleepover with a friend or the stub from a movie or play or concert. We collect these in a Mason jar and as the year progresses it fills up. Then on either New Years Eve or New Years Day the family gathers around the table and we pass the jar around, each of us pulling out a slip of paper and reading it out loud. We then transpose the list for posterity sake. It’s a fun tradition and also fun to look back at the list years later.
I don’t do resolutions. I do set goals but they are not necessarily based on the calendar year. Last year I set a goal to start to run, do a 5k under 30 minutes and a 10k under an hour and in the process get back in shape and loose some extra weight. I am pleased that I met these goals and it is only an injury that has sidelined me from running and I am anxious to get back and truly miss the feeling of going out for a 6 mile run.
Another goal was to work on writing and that is where this blog came from. I am one of many who became inspired by the writings of Sharyn on the Caleb blog and decided to give it a try.
Through this venture I have met some very nice people, not really met physically but in the virtual world. I have learned much more about the technology and about writing. I have really got to like having a camera around to snap things up when I see them, even if it was only me who thought the pictures were good. (But then I didn’t care if they were a slight bit fuzzy). I have learned that my writing in the beginning was more thoughtful and deep rooted and came from topics stored up and that my writings in the fall were more forced because they were forced as I was working to develop some discipline. In some cases didn’t write here or elsewhere because the writing was stuck and it didn’t seem to matter. I learned that this deep writing is something I want to get back to.
I learned that as I wrote as I thought out loud and wrote when my moods were not good, that there were people who very nicely became concerned and tried to help and this surprised me and caught me off guard, even thought this is a very public place to air your thoughts. [I have a wonderfully supportive wife and kids and a few wonderful friends but I am no longer use to that response from people I don’t know well and initially kind of suspicious (absolutely nothing personal–out there). Where the hell did that come from? Why do I go there rather than accept the genuineness of good people? I do know where much of it came from; the brutality of corporate employment/ unemployment [yes non profits can be brutal] has left me with bruises that have been difficult to heal and definitely more cautious.]
I learned that some people picked up on the writings that I did on other blogs and launched writing of their own off these thoughts and that was wild and exciting to see and read. I assumed when I wrote here and on other blogs that there was this tiny audience and that what I wrote was as much for me as the other person so when I heard from people I didn’t know who were comforted by my words or thought they were good, I was and am blown away.
Someone else reading this might again say, poor guy that he minimizes this so much, but that is not really where I am at.
As I said early on in the year, writing in this way is something new to me and I am not use to getting feedback in that way. Professionally I need to write letters, proposals and do technical writing and the best feedback you can get is that you have been successful in carefully choosing your words or that there was nothing wrong with it or that it was successful in conveying what you want to do or get. Not getting negative feedback in that sense is very positive in a backwards way.
So this has also been a good growth experience for me as has been the running and all of the other positive things that have happened. In that sense and in many other ways it has been a good year.
I am learning ever so slowly that adversity and challenges to me are not necessarily negative and the future not automatically something to be wary of. I am continuing to see the lessons in things that have not gone well and to put those lessons in perspective. This is good and a goal that I will continue to pursue and as well as to continue to work to again to be okay letting my guard down to let others in.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
It is winter in the Berkshires
It is during the winter months that I am mostly reminded that we live on hills. When I began running this realization also came to me quite quickly as roads that seemed relatively flat or with a mild grade took on a totally different feel when it is you who are running what is unquestionably up.
Lenox itself sits atop a hill and then my neighborhood is a bit of an elevation above that, so just getting into town requires going up hill and then once there it is a choice of which way is the lesser of evils for the final “up”.
My normal route is winding and along the river until it gets to within a mile and a half or so of my house then it’s a left turn and a steady up hill for a mile then a quick right turn and up a sharp hill for a half mile. Or I can go another way which has a longer hill and slightly less of grade until that final steep hill. Or I can abandon my usual route and stay on route 7 which leaves Lee and goes up hill for 2 miles until it gets to the lake then levels off and goes up again. None of these is easy when the roads are slick and the car in front of you stops leaving you with absolutely no momentum.
Almost every day of the year I roll my eyes at the 4 wheel drive SUVs that are all over the place as I tool around in my front wheel drive Toyota. Except on these very few hours of these very few days when I would love to have a bigger 4-wheel drive vehicle to make the trip easier and less complicated. But those are the choices. When you live in the Berkshires you make choices and one of them is living with the weather as it is most of time and accommodating for the times when it is extreme.
But it is quiet and peaceful in the blowing snow. The pellet stove pumps out that heat, the Christmas lights in the neighborhood glow beneath drifts of snow and the lights on the Christmas tree bring it to life. So much better than how friends have it that were in the path of the ice storm last week. We completely avoided it, a fluke current of warmer air gave us just rain.
It is winter in the Berkshires.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A little song, a little dance a little seltzer down your pants
In between the work and school schedules and volunteer commit-
ments and this year marathon completing and editing of college applications (9 all together + auditions, ugh) and just stuff to do we always make time as a family to go hunting for the Christmas tree. For most years since before the kids were here we would venture out to the tree farm to find the lucking (or not so lucky I guess if you're the tree) tree.
Many years ago we have found tree farms that let you pick the tree in August when you are wearing shorts and a t-shirt and add enough distinct decorations to be able to find it again in December when it is often cover with snow. That was the greatest.
More recently it has been trekking up and down windblown hills often in a foot of snow making it difficult to visualize the size and gaps. Looking at hundreds of trees up and down hills it can become a little stimulation overload. This year however there was no snow and the temperature cold but not bitter and bright and sunny as we ventured out to the Seekonk tree farm in Great Barrington. We had success there a few years back and it is only a half hour from home. The view here is great with Monument Mountain in the near distance.
We usually have a good time at it. The Christmas carols in the car, kids and parents sometimes dancing and running around the aisle of trees. (Though often it is mom and dad who have to maintain the more serious tone to get the deed done). When the consensus or near consensus is complete then comes the task of sawing it down. A task I gladly yielded to my oldest a few years back when it was clear he was fine crawling under the tree in the soft snow and frankly I've done it enough that the novelty is gone.
Then we drag it to the checkout shed and the shaker where they shake out all the wildlife (we have actually had mice escape in the house from a tree that wasn't shaken), bind it up and attach it to the car. Another year of a fun tradition.
So what's about the title here? It's a fun line that just came to me as we were doing a jig and a song at the tree farm . It's a line from an old Mary T
yler Moore show about a TV clown (Chuckles) who was dressed as Peter Peanut in a parade and a rogue elephant tried to shell him. This was his trade mark line and makes me smile and it just fit the mood.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Find peace in yourself and thousands will find peace around you.
I wish I could say that this is an original quote from me but it is not. A Google search of the key words brings up several references and the theme is common. This quote was shared by a friend who was musing on ways that we can have an effect on the uncertainty that seems to be in the world today. By finding some peace within yourself, this peace is picked up in varying degrees by those you interact with or meet and it impacts the way they interact with others. I have to periodically be brought back to that philosophy and thought when I begin to feel a little helpless with all that is going on. Fortunately I know people who cycle around though phases like I do and we sometimes help each other become centered again.
So I have added a link here to a site 10 ways to find inner peace.
Its nothing really new or astonishing just some basic common sense about maintaining our grounding. I looked at the list and went "ah-hah", I haven't been with nature much lately, I haven't been able to run in a couple of weeks my morning meditation had been disrupted by travel and early meetings, I'm worrying more about the what ifs. So about half the list of 10 I haven't been keeping up, the others I am doing ok with.
This week I have had to do more manager mentoring than I have usually done in a week in more recent times and I am reminded that I really like doing it and I know I am also good at it. I can almost see a level of peace come to the other person when I have worked through an issue or planned something out with them. Though I find it sometimes exhausting because of the intense thought it takes to guide someone and the need to pick words very intentionally to get the message across without triggering defensiveness or them shutting down. At the same time I find it very rewarding and I get a high out of it. In some way I am sharing some and promoting peace with someone else.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Transitions and losses
There seems to be so much uncertainty...more uneasiness of life...as if the universe is a little off kilter. In the past few months there have been several co-workers and friends who have lost chidren, mothers, fathers or who are now experiencing illness or the final stages of death in loved ones. Whoooo. For those of us who have experienced loss there is a connection, that knowledge that someone else really does understand. I have been to more funeral homes and written more sympathy note than any period I can remember. I am not numb but more subdued.
Yes you can say that when you get to a certain age the illness and death of parents becomes inevitable but adding children and spouses to the mix.....
For those who have lost someone and as the year end holidays come and go there are the series of firsts. We all experience them in a different way but there is a commonality.
In my own life I have already been through the loss of parents and a sibling and while it is certainly not a badge I would ever choose to wear it is one I have been given and one I keep in my pocket. While it is definitely not on the scale of a death or illness, what has hit me more at this moment is the reality of my children growing up and going off to college and moving on. The thought that this is the last this or last that or even the thought of not having everyone around everyday brings tears to my eyes and I have to catch myself and move on. Where did the time go? Where did the time go then my parents became old and frail and die? Where my infant children grew up and can drive and dream of a life separate from our small family? This is good for it means as parents we have succeeded. But that does not make it easier.
So I am sad.....I am sad for my co-workers and friends for the pain they are experiencing or for their loss. A part of me aches for them and a part of me aches for a totally different form of loss that I am experiencing.
A friend posted on her blog that there are experiences that make you look deeply into the eyes of those you love and cherish the moments we have. Very wise advice.
Yes you can say that when you get to a certain age the illness and death of parents becomes inevitable but adding children and spouses to the mix.....
For those who have lost someone and as the year end holidays come and go there are the series of firsts. We all experience them in a different way but there is a commonality.
In my own life I have already been through the loss of parents and a sibling and while it is certainly not a badge I would ever choose to wear it is one I have been given and one I keep in my pocket. While it is definitely not on the scale of a death or illness, what has hit me more at this moment is the reality of my children growing up and going off to college and moving on. The thought that this is the last this or last that or even the thought of not having everyone around everyday brings tears to my eyes and I have to catch myself and move on. Where did the time go? Where did the time go then my parents became old and frail and die? Where my infant children grew up and can drive and dream of a life separate from our small family? This is good for it means as parents we have succeeded. But that does not make it easier.
So I am sad.....I am sad for my co-workers and friends for the pain they are experiencing or for their loss. A part of me aches for them and a part of me aches for a totally different form of loss that I am experiencing.
A friend posted on her blog that there are experiences that make you look deeply into the eyes of those you love and cherish the moments we have. Very wise advice.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Pause
I have been working on some pieces in the few minutes I have computer access in the early mornings.....but haven't had enough time to finish. I am exhausted by nighttime and since we are determined to regulate on line access for the kids, as much we can, I end up being in line and usually at the end. So writing is at a pause.
Running has also been on a pause for the past couple of weeks at the recommendation of suggestion of the MD. How the hell some indirect body parts can be negatively effected by running had me initially scratching my head. It also is frustrating when you are doing something that is good for you and you have to stop it.
But I hope to be able to get out there sometime this weekend, though I know I have lost some good momentum and getting back into the routine, especially with such cold will be difficult. For the next few days we are off to visit extended family, in- laws to me so perhaps some time on the hotel treadmill we be some help.
A good thanksgiving to all out there in blogland. It seems like finding things to be thankful for is more difficult this year, until you fine someone who has recently lost someone, or lost their job or is in poor health or just has it worse off than you. Then you realize that there is much to be thankful for.
Running has also been on a pause for the past couple of weeks at the recommendation of suggestion of the MD. How the hell some indirect body parts can be negatively effected by running had me initially scratching my head. It also is frustrating when you are doing something that is good for you and you have to stop it.
But I hope to be able to get out there sometime this weekend, though I know I have lost some good momentum and getting back into the routine, especially with such cold will be difficult. For the next few days we are off to visit extended family, in- laws to me so perhaps some time on the hotel treadmill we be some help.
A good thanksgiving to all out there in blogland. It seems like finding things to be thankful for is more difficult this year, until you fine someone who has recently lost someone, or lost their job or is in poor health or just has it worse off than you. Then you realize that there is much to be thankful for.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Today
23 degrees, the air is clear and crisp. The grass is dried *or freeze dried) and leaves and remaining greenery curled up for protection. It feels like November. Though we have had snow a few times it does not last, the ground is still warm enough to melt and absorb it. Not the constant cold. I’ve seen more deer out and about this week…more so than I have usually seen. Foraging for food already?
Hard to believe this is 4 tons of wood ( well actually it is only 2 tons inside) and we’ve already cut into some of it. The stove turns itself on more and more regularly with the dropping temperatures and I again become tuned in to the various sounds it makes to know that everything is working fine….or not By March I will be totally sick of this stuff. Hauling the daily or twice a day bag of pellets in, cleaning out the ash, moving these big pallets (what happened to the picture) little by little.
It’s been a dead week for being outside. My run last Saturday threw off a cascade of ailments lasting most of the week. It gets tough when your body punishes you for doing something good,
Life around town is quiet. On a few tourists so they aren’t really noticed much. This weekend 10 high schools take over the main theater of Shakespeare & Company. They have been working with directors, producer and costumers and set people from S&Co. to each produce one of Shakespeare’s works. The quality of course varies from ok to exceptional but the spirit is contagious and amazing. Our family of course will there most of the weekend in various numbers.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Out of the Comfort Zone/ Disconnecting auto pilot
There are times when I have found myself at an intersection. Something stops me, confronts me, presents itself, metaphorically blows up in front of me. I have a choice. The choices are autopilot, which may say to do nothing (let the choice go away or take care of itself) or to take the familiar turn or to want to run away from the decision or in other words try to turn back or to try something completely different. Something not as familiar or comfortable and unorthodox.
I wrote last about being discouraged and being presented with people doing things that were not cool, what I didn’t write was about the force that they were doing it. As a relatively low key person I don’t always do well with pit bulls or people not afraid to be “in your face” (whether or not they wear lipstick ), especially when they are in a place that I don’t expect them. I don’t confuse being low key with being a wimp or passive as I can also be quite formidable and immovable when provoked. This can be quite surprising to those who don’t know me as it can be like stepping on a rattle-snake.
But to be in that place for me often requires stepping out of a comfort zone. I like being a nice guy, I like being friendly and helpful, I like to work cooperatively, I don’t like being taken advantage in any way or form because of this. Who does!
So this past two weeks, which can go down in the book of weeks I’d like to forget, had me in such a place. The difference from other experiences was that it was an explosion, and confrontation, something mean spirited that I was presented with and the players were either manipulative or with extremely strong egos and self opinions of themselves and they presented this with such intensity that it took me very much off guard. It had me looking back, questioning decisions, questioning myself.
So my choices were to do nothing and hope it will blow over and feel like shit for having been “abused”. I could explode and demonstrate the actual authority I had over the situation. I would have to clean up the mess later but I would feel great in the moment. I could be manipulative back and find an alternative way to change behavior or “seek revenge”, which is an exhausting game to play and one I rarely like to play. The options and issues seemed a total blur.
Or I could disconnect the auto-pilot stepping out of my comfort zone and find a different route; confronting these strong willed perpetrators head on, calling them on their abuse, laying out expectations, leaving little doubt that I had many more options that I could exercise and that I was clearly willing to go there if necessary and also making them wait for the reaction. Basically daring them not to back down and apologize and see a wiser path.
So as I am writing about this in better frame of mind you can deduce that I chose the latter path and while it was rough and the path to sorting out the options not easy I am at a different place. I moved very much out my comfort zone to effectively respond to something formidable and new. While I know that my path is still lined with challenges on this I have grown and in some small way will never be the same. I am curious to see how this new growth will play itself out.
Throughout my life there are key times that I can point to where I have turned off the auto-pilot and in a very significant way stepped out of my comfort zone and taken a less comfortable direction. Like changes in the ring pattern of a tree these are my growth spots.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Completely Discouraged
In these early hours of the morning as I sit down I look at the list of blogs in my "favorites" and randomly cruise others, landing on some for a second or two before I move on. I know how that is because the site counter here records many people who do the same thing. Bloggers like me put thoughts and ideas and reflections of experiences out there. Why, because it seems more concrete and useful than talking to trees.
In the spring I put up a post that rhetorically asked, does it matter. I was feeling at a low point having been mocked or dis'd for some of the things I do or have done. I left it up a few days and remarkably it got a few comments from some very kind folks but then I took it down because it was too raw too exposing. Well this morning I put it back up. Lost in the chronology of this blog, but our there.
Why did I? One of the joys and frustrations of a blog is you don't know who reads it. To me that sometimes matters as I get into personal stuff or stuff about other people. The tone of that earlier post hits a little like I am feeling, extremely discouraged. An absolutely horrendous week. I wish I could shut down email at work and in the world and insist that others get off their ass and talk to your face to face or pick up the dam phone and ask questions, validate information, inquire.....rather than lob bombs and walk away. While I am definitely an email junky there are many many times when at work I consciously pick up the phone or walk down the hall or to another floor to seek someone out. I am now working with some people whose preferred mode of communication is email and they complain about lack of communication and being out of the know. There are also people who go completely off the wall and you have to figure out that the real reason is not really the one they are yelling about or seem upset about, it is really something or things remotely related that have triggered the reaction.
The same can be said about groups I am involved with outside of work. People use emails too hastily. It is extremely rare that I will be angry in either a work or non work email. The written word is much more biting as there is no inflection and no body language and there is no immediate dialog. Often times when I need to communicate by email I will write drafts and check spelling and read it out loud to hear how it sounds. Enough times I have been stung by cutting comments and words that were out of line. Sometimes I will respond with one word "ouch" and that will get a reaction.
Managing people is difficult and I will never understand people who will never ask about something or give you the benefit of the doubt when something doesn't seem right or in character. Especially when it seems out of character or they don't even know someone to know if it is in character. They just complain and spout off to each other or to others and poison the atmosphere. I have enough very difficult work that I have to do that is frustrating and constantly throwing me curves without this.
I will also never understand people, in or out of work, who assume to know the depth of your reasons or thoughts on things. While I know this sounds arrogant (and since it is my blog I can be alittle arrogant) I am genuinely a good person and a good person to have as a boss, co-worker, friend, employee, colleague. While I have my foibles and quirks, I am very introspective, polite, considerate of others and thoughtful of the effect my actions have on others. I know that this is true because I am told that by many people unsolicited as employees, friends, people in the community.
So yesterday I threw in a five mile run at lunch to help deal with this and I have run 3-4 miles most days this week to deal with this and I still feel like crap and wishing I could throw my hands up and drop out of many things for a while. I can only imagine how I would feel without the running. Its much better than drinking or eating.
So we'll see how long this post stays up and there is no picture or image I could add to this except perhaps a picture of my winning lottery ticket (I wish). I may in a short while decide it too is too raw or reveling but again it is better than yelling at trees. I've also tried that.
In the spring I put up a post that rhetorically asked, does it matter. I was feeling at a low point having been mocked or dis'd for some of the things I do or have done. I left it up a few days and remarkably it got a few comments from some very kind folks but then I took it down because it was too raw too exposing. Well this morning I put it back up. Lost in the chronology of this blog, but our there.
Why did I? One of the joys and frustrations of a blog is you don't know who reads it. To me that sometimes matters as I get into personal stuff or stuff about other people. The tone of that earlier post hits a little like I am feeling, extremely discouraged. An absolutely horrendous week. I wish I could shut down email at work and in the world and insist that others get off their ass and talk to your face to face or pick up the dam phone and ask questions, validate information, inquire.....rather than lob bombs and walk away. While I am definitely an email junky there are many many times when at work I consciously pick up the phone or walk down the hall or to another floor to seek someone out. I am now working with some people whose preferred mode of communication is email and they complain about lack of communication and being out of the know. There are also people who go completely off the wall and you have to figure out that the real reason is not really the one they are yelling about or seem upset about, it is really something or things remotely related that have triggered the reaction.
The same can be said about groups I am involved with outside of work. People use emails too hastily. It is extremely rare that I will be angry in either a work or non work email. The written word is much more biting as there is no inflection and no body language and there is no immediate dialog. Often times when I need to communicate by email I will write drafts and check spelling and read it out loud to hear how it sounds. Enough times I have been stung by cutting comments and words that were out of line. Sometimes I will respond with one word "ouch" and that will get a reaction.
Managing people is difficult and I will never understand people who will never ask about something or give you the benefit of the doubt when something doesn't seem right or in character. Especially when it seems out of character or they don't even know someone to know if it is in character. They just complain and spout off to each other or to others and poison the atmosphere. I have enough very difficult work that I have to do that is frustrating and constantly throwing me curves without this.
I will also never understand people, in or out of work, who assume to know the depth of your reasons or thoughts on things. While I know this sounds arrogant (and since it is my blog I can be alittle arrogant) I am genuinely a good person and a good person to have as a boss, co-worker, friend, employee, colleague. While I have my foibles and quirks, I am very introspective, polite, considerate of others and thoughtful of the effect my actions have on others. I know that this is true because I am told that by many people unsolicited as employees, friends, people in the community.
So yesterday I threw in a five mile run at lunch to help deal with this and I have run 3-4 miles most days this week to deal with this and I still feel like crap and wishing I could throw my hands up and drop out of many things for a while. I can only imagine how I would feel without the running. Its much better than drinking or eating.
So we'll see how long this post stays up and there is no picture or image I could add to this except perhaps a picture of my winning lottery ticket (I wish). I may in a short while decide it too is too raw or reveling but again it is better than yelling at trees. I've also tried that.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Differences
It is interesting working with people with different political views. I am most proudly and unashamed out there as the view and perspective from the left of the political and social scale. My views are really not really that radical or extreme but my tolerance for diversity of all types is quite high and thoughts on personal and societal responsibility give me that positioning. A few weeks ago I did an on-line survey of views and tolerance and I was clearly on the far left of the range with Barack and Hillary to the right. The Dali Lama was in my neighborhood, which IMO is cool and good company. Much of this is rooted in my own deep sense of spirituality.
I work with people who have opinions similar to mine but also some with perspectives that are clearly far right of center and who occasionally feel that their opinions are the only ones that can be correct. I have to hold my tongue allot because in a discussion where they get rolling and want to spout off further and further to the right, I absolutely can't resist moving even further and further to the left. It drives them crazy! Mean, yeah I know. But you gotta have some fun with people who take themselves way too seriously.
So you can imagine the day after an election of the first African American President, whom I consider a complete centrist and some consider a socialist. Behaviors are acted out in ways that have nothing to do with the real issues of work, some are just totally quiet or some just go on and on. I had a conversation this afternoon with a co-worker who is quite bright and seems to try and research everything under the sun yet he was so poorly informed on Obama's positions and opinions. I could tell that he probably had listened intently to one or two similar sources of information and perspective not the dozen or so that are available. So it becomes a teaching moment. The others I just stay away from and let them simmer in their anger.
It is fascinating to me how our varied upbringings and life experiences and basic brain chemistry make us who we are and how I can so very clearly see something in one way or be totally fine with something while another person sees it 180 degrees differently or is offended by something that I can't even understand.
Its one of those many things that makes us human and interesting and frustrating to one another, all at the same time.
I work with people who have opinions similar to mine but also some with perspectives that are clearly far right of center and who occasionally feel that their opinions are the only ones that can be correct. I have to hold my tongue allot because in a discussion where they get rolling and want to spout off further and further to the right, I absolutely can't resist moving even further and further to the left. It drives them crazy! Mean, yeah I know. But you gotta have some fun with people who take themselves way too seriously.
So you can imagine the day after an election of the first African American President, whom I consider a complete centrist and some consider a socialist. Behaviors are acted out in ways that have nothing to do with the real issues of work, some are just totally quiet or some just go on and on. I had a conversation this afternoon with a co-worker who is quite bright and seems to try and research everything under the sun yet he was so poorly informed on Obama's positions and opinions. I could tell that he probably had listened intently to one or two similar sources of information and perspective not the dozen or so that are available. So it becomes a teaching moment. The others I just stay away from and let them simmer in their anger.
It is fascinating to me how our varied upbringings and life experiences and basic brain chemistry make us who we are and how I can so very clearly see something in one way or be totally fine with something while another person sees it 180 degrees differently or is offended by something that I can't even understand.
Its one of those many things that makes us human and interesting and frustrating to one another, all at the same time.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Relatives you don't know
I got a telephone call today from the wife of my grandfather's grand nephew. Get that one for a genealogical tongue twister. My grandfather's father is the great grandfather of the husband of this person. I had never really heard of the "great grandmother" in this story because my grandmother always spoke of his step mother.
So what do you say to a person who technically is a relative but I really haven't a clue about and besides the curiosity of ancestry don't have much motivation to connect. It is always fun and interesting to meet new people but it is difficult to be familiar to someone you don't know, even if they are a relative.
Genealogy is one of those things that can be a confusing puzzle. While each of us has a straight line back in history it is the intersection of these straight lines and subsequent off shoots which there are many people.
Like many people in New England some of my family lines are traceable for many many generations going back. There are a couple of lines that are traced back to the 1500s and 1600s; have some interesting names added in along the way. There are others for which I have information and photos and and some possessions going back to the late 1700s. The names in this group are so familiar to me as they are my mother's and grandmother's line and they often spoke of the people who are now just photographs and names on a chart. They all tended to live in the same area so the roots are deep.
But the line that the person has been seeking out is one which I have little information on. My grandfather didn't speak much about his family to me and I guess didn't to my Mom, who is the source of any information I have and he died when I was in my late teens (more than a few years back).
I have heard from this person before and she has sent me some information that she and others who are also researching this line have found. She actually tracked me down from my grandmother's obituary of 25 years ago and then through my mothers of 5 years ago. I was the one on the survivor list who answered the phone.
It is interesting, my reaction when they share some of this information. The story goes that my great-grandfather took my grandfather and left his wife at the time to travel out west. From all the recounts of that these people have from the wife, my great-grandfather wasn't a nice guy, to say it mildly. I have had decades to remember the pieces yet during this phone call I was lost all over again. I had heard about my grandfather traveling out west with his Dad and having a very interesting childhood but not that great-granddad deserted great-grandma.
I heard more about the person he later married and became my grandfather's step mother and who was fondly recalled by my mother for her cooking and running a boarding house. One thing I inherited was her cookbook from the 1800s. An interesting read but not easy to follow as it assumes you are cooking off a wood stove. What they didn't have thermostats back then? Some of the ingredients are hard to find now and they sure did use lard a lot. What I have found interesting in hearing about the "bad things" my great-grandfather did in leaving his first wife is that I felt the need to question "was there another side to this? "was it perhaps not as cut and dry?" Perhaps I am adding the lenses and perspective of a 21st century person who has seen many people have failed relationships and it was not always one sided. My grandfather was married to my grandmother for 60 years, so wouldn't that be true of his father? Of course perhaps why my grandfather was married so long is because of his experience as a kid. What is interesting is why it would really matter. Or is it that I don't like people maligned who aren't around to defend themselves.
So I had a nice chat with this person and sent her some photos that I did have from way back and will look for the few letters that I can recall passed down to me from many decades past. Perhaps we will chat again. She is eager to solve the puzzles of who each person is and where they fit in. I guess I am more concerned with the immediate at this time. History is fun but the mold in the bathroom and the reason behind it is what I have further up on the list. [though I suspect it is the marathon showers common to teenagers.
So why did I write this? I guess because it is interesting that you never know who you are related to. As the family tree extends itself it gets wider and wider and the possible numbers of people you can be related to is staggering.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The first Snow
Driving home in the dark the temperature goes from 48 to 33 in 45 minutes. The wind picks up and the rain turns to snow.
Not even November and there is a quarter inch of the white stuff and its flying all around. Probably won't be around in the morning and least after the sun rises and things warm up a little. But its the sign of what inevitably comes.
The wind is blowing in that howling hollow sound that is so familiar and so eiry yet somewhat comforting. For it always seems like the wind is going somewhere and I try to imagine where. There are parts of the valley near where I live where I can see Mt Greylock to the north, probably 30 miles as the bird flies but looking as clear as if it were in the next town. So often I know the wind is headed there and then to whip around and head to the east.
The first snow. Familiar yet different each time.
Friday, October 24, 2008
When life is like turning an aircraft carrier
This past week I was chatting with a manager who I recently hired and he said that there were many ways that he knew he could help improve the way his staff did their work and also make it easier, but they didn't want to hear some of it. I listened for a bit then told him to hold on to his ideas and not be discouraged and that we would talk further. Then I briefly shared a philosophy I have used for many years in management and in many aspects of my life that I refer to as "turning the aircraft carrier". Others might call it "taking the long view" but I like the visuals.
I find that I get varying responses from people whenever I share this. Some get it and some don't. Oh well!
This approach has come from some extremely difficult work and personal situations and experiences and when what was up front of me looked pretty bleak and discouraging and borderline hopeless.
The theory is that in turning an aircraft carrier you have to keep your eyes not just on the present but quite a distance into the future. If you want to turn it, or in life want to change something, it doesn't happen automatically and the initial work and decisions seem to have absolutely no impact. But to turn that carrier you have to have a vision of where you want to be and then start to make small changes that will gradually result in a cumulative big change. Plus once you have that change in motion it is much easier to move something that is moving. Eventually you will look back and go "wow" that's a big change that has occurred.
So in my manager's situation, he needs to make little changes that make people more comfortable with the direction he is leading them and gradually increase the number of changes until the cumulative amount of change becomes noticeable.
Is it easy to do this? Hell no. It takes tenacity and patience and a certain degree of optimism ....A few things I have felt blessed to have in varying degrees.
I have been in jobs when in my first week I was met by the IRS wanting payment of penalties for late payment and left the job several years later with it being profitable and healthy. Did I loose sleep and work phenomenal hours for which I was never fully compensated? Absolutely.
But for the most part I was treated well and these happened to be non profit organizations that provided a valuable service in the community and were also good employers to a lot of dedicated people. If I didn't succeed many people were going to loose their jobs. To get to the end where the "wolf was no longer at the door" I had to remember that I was turning an aircraft carrier and have the one year, two year, three year plan.
About a month after starting to run this spring I decided to go out on a limb and shared with someone that my short term goal was to run a 5k in under a half hour by summer and a 10k in under 60 minutes by fall. I have this spreadsheet that has tracked every workout since I started listing every workout by date, time, distance, route, amount of time a 5k would be finished at that pace and a 10k at that pace. I would tweak my routine to get the numbers I wanted.
If you have followed this blog you know that both goals have been accomplished and that I am now a fairly regular runner. Have I questioned my ability at time and worried that I would not be able to do it or would come in last, the proof is right here that I did. But then I put my head back down and worked at it. I also had a goal of being significantly lighter and have also met that goal and as a result have to buy smaller clothes.
So why am I telling this tale and sharing this philosophy? Because I need to remind myself of it at times. I have some challenges I am working on and its very easy for me to want to say I want out or I just want to avoid them. But I know I either shouldn't (the adult in me speaking) and I also know I can't hide from some tough decisions. I need to remind myself that this is nothing new and that I have done this before.
I find that I get varying responses from people whenever I share this. Some get it and some don't. Oh well!
This approach has come from some extremely difficult work and personal situations and experiences and when what was up front of me looked pretty bleak and discouraging and borderline hopeless.
The theory is that in turning an aircraft carrier you have to keep your eyes not just on the present but quite a distance into the future. If you want to turn it, or in life want to change something, it doesn't happen automatically and the initial work and decisions seem to have absolutely no impact. But to turn that carrier you have to have a vision of where you want to be and then start to make small changes that will gradually result in a cumulative big change. Plus once you have that change in motion it is much easier to move something that is moving. Eventually you will look back and go "wow" that's a big change that has occurred.
So in my manager's situation, he needs to make little changes that make people more comfortable with the direction he is leading them and gradually increase the number of changes until the cumulative amount of change becomes noticeable.
Is it easy to do this? Hell no. It takes tenacity and patience and a certain degree of optimism ....A few things I have felt blessed to have in varying degrees.
I have been in jobs when in my first week I was met by the IRS wanting payment of penalties for late payment and left the job several years later with it being profitable and healthy. Did I loose sleep and work phenomenal hours for which I was never fully compensated? Absolutely.
But for the most part I was treated well and these happened to be non profit organizations that provided a valuable service in the community and were also good employers to a lot of dedicated people. If I didn't succeed many people were going to loose their jobs. To get to the end where the "wolf was no longer at the door" I had to remember that I was turning an aircraft carrier and have the one year, two year, three year plan.
About a month after starting to run this spring I decided to go out on a limb and shared with someone that my short term goal was to run a 5k in under a half hour by summer and a 10k in under 60 minutes by fall. I have this spreadsheet that has tracked every workout since I started listing every workout by date, time, distance, route, amount of time a 5k would be finished at that pace and a 10k at that pace. I would tweak my routine to get the numbers I wanted.
If you have followed this blog you know that both goals have been accomplished and that I am now a fairly regular runner. Have I questioned my ability at time and worried that I would not be able to do it or would come in last, the proof is right here that I did. But then I put my head back down and worked at it. I also had a goal of being significantly lighter and have also met that goal and as a result have to buy smaller clothes.
So why am I telling this tale and sharing this philosophy? Because I need to remind myself of it at times. I have some challenges I am working on and its very easy for me to want to say I want out or I just want to avoid them. But I know I either shouldn't (the adult in me speaking) and I also know I can't hide from some tough decisions. I need to remind myself that this is nothing new and that I have done this before.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Its cold and tomorrow's 10k
It cold……………….30 degrees in the morning, the grass is covered with frost and it is still just October. The winter fuel supply, 4 tons of pellets, hopefully will be delivered some time next week. It is hard to believe that by next spring I (and yes it is mostly me) will have moved these 4 tons bag by bag into the garage for intermediate storage and then into the house for the stove. If I treat it like a workout then I see the benefit thought I can tell you that I fail to see that benefit hauling in a bag at 11PM to load up the stove for the night. But is inexpensive warm heat so that surely is a benefit
Tomorrow is my first 10k (6.2 miles) race. www.brocktrot.org. A town race that draws a few hundred people. The route is a winding country road with some long hills then looping around Tanglewood and up a steady grade and then off to the back entrance of Shakespeare and Company.
When I started running in February and March my goal was to do a 5k (3.1 miles) by summer and a 10k (6.2 miles) by fall. While I am confident that I will finish, as I often run 7-8 miles along the same route on weekends, my objective tomorrow is to not finish last. My pace for 6 miles is about 60 minutes, which is about 15 minutes faster than the last person in the 2007 race.
But as I look at the predictions it is for 34 degrees at the 9AM start time. So tonight I am digging out the gloves and trying to figure out the layers so I don’t freeze but also don’t overheat. For the 7:30 registration it will be full sweats and fleece.
Then after the race its off to be a parent driver on a teen trick to a corn maze. Should be an interesting Sunday……..
Wish me a warm tail wind…….
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Olivia's Overlook
One of the nicest views around. Up Lenox Mountain a couple of miles from Tanglewood. Olivia's Overlook sits on part of the Yokun Ridge. Owned by the Berkshire Natural Resources Council there are several beautiful trails around the ridge. Click on the title of this post for their page. The opening in the trees was created when a gas pipeline was laid and there is a small parking lot and has a spectacular view of Tanglewood fireworks, watching the stars and just checking out the view like this.
The water is Stockbridge Bowl, a mid sized Berkshire lake. The overlook sits in a spot that is very close to being the intersection of Lenox, Richmond and West Stockbridge.
Here is More information on Olivia's Overlook that I added in a blog entry on December 3, 2011 with more pictures.
The water is Stockbridge Bowl, a mid sized Berkshire lake. The overlook sits in a spot that is very close to being the intersection of Lenox, Richmond and West Stockbridge.
Here is More information on Olivia's Overlook that I added in a blog entry on December 3, 2011 with more pictures.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tanglewood off season
As the range and distance of my morning runs has expanded I often find my self running across town past the old white church and the "haunted" B&B and the old cemetery and and along what many would call a country road passing a stable, some extraordinary views of wetlands and past a few farms that have become upscale B&Bs. As I make the turn to head back into town, and then out the other side for home, I come to Tanglewood. This is about an 8 mile run with some serious hills so its become a favorite for early Sunday morning just after sunrise. As I usually don't like to carry the camera when I run distances because of the weight, I came back a little later.
The season is over and the BSO has returned to Boston and the tourists and students are have left this part of town. The vast fields that serve as parking lots are just fields along the brightly colored hills.
In the winter we locals gather here for sledding.
The gates are open for walking and sightseers and some local high school cross country teams use the vast lawns for sprinting practice. The shop was open with a 40% off sale for the few people that would venture down to these parts.
The road past Tanglewood goes from Lenox through the backroads of Stockbridge past Kripalu and West Stockbridge and eventually down to Great Barrington, so while there is a good amount of traffic its usually people going somewhere else or like me looking to wander around.
The shed is all closed up to protect it from the snow and driving winds but you can still walk inside and climb up on the stage and wander the aisles.
This will stay closed up until spring when it becomes the site of many of the high school graduations. Having use of such a big place means never having to worry about tickets to these events or the fickleness of the weather.
When I was wandering the lawns there was this lone person with his lawn chair and newspaper enjoying the sun.
Hard to believe the 15,000 that crowded this same space a few months back to see James Taylor and thousands would be here several times a week.
Occasionally there will be an event off-season but it will be in the lovely Ozawa Hall concert hall, which is a good walk from the shed and accessible from another point.
The views from the old mansion are extraordinary overlooking Stockbridge Bowl(Lake Mackinac)
or the hills to the west.
As you look at this now it is difficult to comprehend the activity that takes place during the season. The tour buses, the students, the cars and the tourists, the world renown artists who have summer homes a few minutes from here and some that live here year round but are just part of the community and no one special. They are parents who pick their kids up from school or volunteer like us on school projects.
The tourists are here this weekend but it is mainly the leaves they have come to see. Soon the leaves will have fallen and the snow covering the great lawns and an it will sleep 'til spring.
The season is over and the BSO has returned to Boston and the tourists and students are have left this part of town. The vast fields that serve as parking lots are just fields along the brightly colored hills.
In the winter we locals gather here for sledding.The gates are open for walking and sightseers and some local high school cross country teams use the vast lawns for sprinting practice. The shop was open with a 40% off sale for the few people that would venture down to these parts.
The road past Tanglewood goes from Lenox through the backroads of Stockbridge past Kripalu and West Stockbridge and eventually down to Great Barrington, so while there is a good amount of traffic its usually people going somewhere else or like me looking to wander around.
The shed is all closed up to protect it from the snow and driving winds but you can still walk inside and climb up on the stage and wander the aisles.
This will stay closed up until spring when it becomes the site of many of the high school graduations. Having use of such a big place means never having to worry about tickets to these events or the fickleness of the weather.When I was wandering the lawns there was this lone person with his lawn chair and newspaper enjoying the sun.
Hard to believe the 15,000 that crowded this same space a few months back to see James Taylor and thousands would be here several times a week.Occasionally there will be an event off-season but it will be in the lovely Ozawa Hall concert hall, which is a good walk from the shed and accessible from another point.
The views from the old mansion are extraordinary overlooking Stockbridge Bowl(Lake Mackinac)
or the hills to the west.
As you look at this now it is difficult to comprehend the activity that takes place during the season. The tour buses, the students, the cars and the tourists, the world renown artists who have summer homes a few minutes from here and some that live here year round but are just part of the community and no one special. They are parents who pick their kids up from school or volunteer like us on school projects.
The tourists are here this weekend but it is mainly the leaves they have come to see. Soon the leaves will have fallen and the snow covering the great lawns and an it will sleep 'til spring.
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